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Saturday, 23 October 2010

Ahhhh. . .half term

Well, I'm tired!
That's all I can say...
I leave you with a Pluto cj the IC joke:

The Ojibwa tell this story about twins, one a pessimist and the other an optimist. When they were about 5, their parents took them to the Medicine Man to see if there was anything they could do. The Medicine Man told them to give the pessimist everything he wanted for his birthday and to give the optimist a pile of horse shit. It would be sure to cure their stubborn ways. So on the morning of their birthdays, the parents did as the Medicine Man instructed and they waited outside the tipi to listen. The pessimistic son opened a huge pile of gifts and, as they expected, he was grumbling about it the whole time. The optimistic son however, was squealing in delight over his horseshit. In fact he was throwing it in the air and rubbing it in his hair. Alarmed, his parents burst in and asked what he was so happy about. The optimist said: “Well, with all this horseshit all over the place, there has to be a pony for me somewhere!”

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

New Crop Circle Theory, part 3

OK, so here's how it goes. . .
The area of Wiltshire is crop circle heaven and with Avebury and Stonehenge around, it is naturally quite a magical place to a lot of people. In fact, it's so magical that the UK government thought it would be a great idea to surround the area with a military training ground so while you're wandering around in awe, you occasionally have to duck because of the low flying jet planes. Pure martial stuff. .
The area also boasts the famous Silbury Hill:

Various theories about Silbury Hill abound but it seems to have been a very special place to people on the islands for a very long time. In fact, it's even been referred to as "womb".
Near to Silbury Hill is Avebury. Now perhaps I can, every now and again, be known for my somewhat distracted mind that tends to wander onto one topic but doesn't Avebury look something like a breast?

Added to that, the area is mainly chalk and it has been said the water in the moat surrounding Avebury had been white. . .as in, like milk.
And the final piece of the puzzle. . .
Within Avebury (okay, actually within a pub within Avebury), there is a well that suspiciously looks like a erm, cervix:

So there is a womb, breast, a cervix all continually patrolled by the very martial military. My theory? Aliens are attracted to it because it is a giant human breeding ground! They use crop circles to signal to their friends that this is the perfect place to interbreed with humans. . .that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!
To celebrate theories, here is a very special Mercury conjunct Mars joke:
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it. “Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Crop Circle Theory, part 2. . .

The classic place to stay if you're going crop circle hunting is "The Barge Inn". It's a nice pub with some really nice locals. You can camp out back which I did for a few nights (great opportunity to star gaze too!).

And it's even more fun if you can bump into Gary "The King of crop circles" King:

Gary and I had breakfast and he told me of all his wonderful plans which included pyramids in South America where he'll be touring for the next few months. I hope he brought his spider swatter. . .
Anyway, it was great to meet up with him and make plans to find the next circle.

In honour of Gary and all other clever men, I give you a very special Venus in the 6th house joke. . .

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

And now for my new crop circle theory. . .

So there I was in the fields of Wiltshire crop circle hunting. . .

Up close, the circles take on a more eerie feeling. Kind of like being watched by someone. . .here's some closer detail:

and a bit more. . .

And here's an aerial view. . .

That's all well and good I hear you say but what is that to do with a new theory?
For several years, I've been watching crop circles, been hanging around croppies and listening to their stories about where they come from. And until now, I didn't really have a theory as I didn't think it mattered where they came from. They were just fascinating bits of geometrical design and I regarded them as the most avant guard works of art.
But over the summer, I had a bit of a revelation and I'll be sharing my new theory just as soon as I get a few astro jokes out of my system. . .I'll call this one Jupiter conjunct Mars:
A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass.
When he is finished the bartender says, ”Well I guess you owe me $500."
The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then asks: "How did you get that money from them?"
The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad."