Alex Trenoweth

Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Virgins. . .

2012-01-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

In Honour of Mars in Virgo. . .

The NASA spacecraft Dawn entered the asteroid Vesta’s orbit on 16 July 2011. The brightest asteroid visible from earth, Vesta is the second largest object in the asteroid belt although once her neighbour Pallas is explored, this ranking may change.

Vesta was discovered by Heinrich Willhelm Olbers on 29 March 1807. Just a few years earlier, Olbers had also discovered Pallas. “Coincidentally,” as astronomers like to say, Pallas, Ceres and Vesta were discovered in the constellation of Virgo and along with Juno, were all discovered within a decade. As the word “asteroid” had not yet been invented, these celestial objects were referred to as planets in their own right in the literature of that time.

Because Olbers had already named Pallas, he bequeathed the honour of naming the newly discovered object to Carl Freidrich Gauss who promptly named the planet after the Roman goddess of hearth and home. For several years, she was known as 4 Vesta because she was the fourth object discovered in what we now know as the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter.

Mythologically, Vesta was the daughter of Cronus and Rhea, the last child born before her brother Zeus embarked on his rebellious streak and disembowelled his father in order to free his siblings from his father’s stomach. Vesta refused to marry and chose instead to remain a virgin.

Vesta’s importance was so great that she was seen as a symbol of earth, the place that made life possible. According to the poet Ovid: "Vesta is the Earth itself, both have the perennial fire, the Earth and the sacred Fire show their see."

To the Greeks, fire was sacred and every city had a hearth dedicated to the goddess Vesta. If a Greek was to visit a foreign land, he or she would bring some of the embers of their home fire with them. When women married, they took some of the embers of their mother’s fire to their new home.

Although the Greeks called the women who kept the fires “virgins” it is clear they participated in sexual rituals and so were not virgins in our sense of the word. They were unmarried and belonged to no man and so were free to spread the fire of passion.

To an extent, the Romans had a similar view—with a crucial difference. They too kept a sacred fire and appointed six beautiful and noble maidens to serve as vestal virgins whose duties were simply to remain virgins—in our sense of the word—until they had served thirty years of keeping the home fires burning. If the fire went out, they were whipped. If they lost their virginity, they were entombed alive. After they served their thirty years, they were free to marry but many simply shoes to enjoy the luxury of being one the most respected women in the city—and one of the few women who could actually own property.

Marie Stopes, one of Britiain’s greatest campaigners for women’s rights and a pioneer in the field of birth control was born with Vesta conjunct her North Node in Capricorn. She had written a sex manual entitled “Married Love” which she claimed to have written when she was still a virgin. She opened the UK’s first family planning clinic on 17 March 1921 in London, just as Vesta in Pisces was in opposition to Saturn in Virgo. Stopes, in her book, Radiant Motherhood, argued in favour of the eugenics programme which called for the sterilisation of anyone unfit for parenthood.

Queen Elizabeth I, known as “The Virgin Queen” had no children and although it might be disputed that she was an actual virgin, used her status as a virgin to her political advantageHer reputation as a virgin inspired a cult of virginity and exalted her to a goddess-like status. She was born with Vesta in Gemini opposing Jupiter in Sagittarius.
Britney Spears was a pop star who capitalised on her status as a virgin early in her career. She was born with Vesta conjunct her natal Uranus in Sagittarius.

Whilst it’s always nice to find astrology signatures that match the Vesta theme, it is even more satisfying when the scientists sing from the same cosmic hymnbook. NASA scientists have recently discovered that Vesta shares crucial similarities to earth.

Dawn’s data shows that roughly half of Vesta is expected to be so cold and to receive so little sunlight that water ice could have survived there for billions of years. The data collected from Dawn is seen as crucial to understanding how our solar system was formed. Scientists have now surmised that due to the tilt of the asteroid on its axis—similar to the earth’s— Vesta has variable seasons just like the earth.

"On average, it's colder at Vesta's poles than near its equator, so in that sense, they are good places to sustain water ice," says Timothy Stubbs of NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Md., and the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. "But they also see sunlight for long periods of time during the summer seasons, which isn't so good for sustaining ice. So if water ice exists in those regions, it may be buried beneath a relatively deep layer of dry regolith."

Although the asteroid Vesta is extremely unlikely to be able to sustain life, it is amazing that it has patterns on its surface that are so familiar to us earth dwellers. The Dawn cameras have captured what appears to be the shape of a snowman on its surface:

Mars in Scorpio

2011-11-18T09:27:00.001-08:00

Pluto in Scorpio in 5th

2011-11-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

When Pluto comes out to play. . .

Jupiter in Virgo (with a semi sextile to Venus in Leo)

2011-10-13T13:54:00.001-07:00

Just because I'm in a good mood after teaching History for six weeks, here's a special joke for fussy Historians everywhere. . .

This guy goes into his barber, and he’s all excited. He says, “I’m going to go to Rome. I’m flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I’m going to see the Pope!”

The barber says, “Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you’ll probably be standing in back of about 10,000 people.”

So the guy goes to Rome and comes back. His barber asks, “How was it?”

“Great,” he says. "Alitalia was a wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got the meet the Pope.”

"You met the Pope?" asked the barber incredulously.

“I bent down to kiss the Pope’s ring.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, “Where did you get that crummy haircut?”

And we want to be taken seriously?

2011-09-25T04:23:00.000-07:00

When I first came to England in 1990 and recovered from the shock of discovering there were only 4 TV channels to choose from, I caught a lot of morning shows. I can clearly remember seeing Russell Grant and being really excited because he was the first celebrity astrologer who seemed to agree with me and my theory that people need to be pushed to get them to see beyond star signs. There Russell was, on live TV, considering a whole chart (be it only for few minutes) and being contagiously enthusiastic about it. I remember thinking: “Hey, he’s speaking the language!” It was my first experience of feeling I could engage with someone about astrology.

Of course, life being as it is, my path to astrological enlightenment (which I still haven’t found and proudly accept I never will), has taken many twists and turns but I still resolutely refuse to do a star sign column—even if I did get the chance to do whole chart readings in front of a live studio audience. It isn’t because star sign columns–written by qualified astrologers—are fake or incorrect. But in the whole entire scheme of things they are pretty useless and they cast astrologers as a whole in a very simplified light. Star sign columns make all astrologers easy targets for the likes of Matthew Syeed. Anyone who knows their star sign (and that’s everybody), thinks they automatically understand astrology and can have an opinion about it.

Before my many friends who write star sign columns start telling me (again) they are the “shop window” of astrology, let me put a few more reasons why we clever astrologers should seriously consider how a few badly dressed mannequins affect the rest of us. I'm not having a go because you star sign astrologers do work hard and I'm lucky I have a job I love which pays me well enough so I don't have to be a slave to the media. I just want you guys to consider a few things.

My buddy Deb Houlding has been engaged in an epic battle with the BBC to get them to back track on some seriously negative comments from a so-called expert astronomer. The sheer lunacy of the Beebs’ inability to follow their own policy on impartiality is appalling.
As Deb has written in her website Skyscript (and if you think astrology is simple, just have a look at her work):

“My complaint is essentially simple and concerns a lack of factual accuracy and impartiality within offensively misrepresentative remarks about astrology. It is raised against a dialogue between BBC presenters Dara Ó Briain and Professor Brian Cox on Stargazing Live (3rd January 2011) in reference to the "very rare" planetary line up between Jupiter and Uranus and the Earth that occurred that night (in other words, the Jupiter-Uranus conjunction, which as astrologers know is not "very rare" in astronomical terms, since it repeats every 13-15 years):”

Dara Ó Briain: Very rare for this kind of thing to happen, it is, because all of them have a different, different orbital length; this is, you know, only, only the Earth goes round in one year and comes back to the same spot. Horoscopes: that's all nonsense. We're happy to say this now, once and for all, that's all rubbish, right, astrology - because the planets are in different places at different times.

Brian Cox: In the interests of balance, because we're on the BBC, I should say that, indeed, Dara is right: astrology is … [gesticulates to support the last word given to Dara].

Dara Ó Briain: It's nonsense, it's absolute nonsense; right.

Oh so Brian Cox and Dara O’Brian are qualified astrologers and can have this opinion? And the BBC reckons it maintains a position of impartiality? Give me my damn license money back. Now.

Just when I thought I couldn’t get any more touchy about the reputation of astrology, in flounces Russell Grant—on the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing. He’s lost ten stone and he’s recycled Anne Widdecombe’s wardrobe.

Is he going to win it?

With T Pluto square his N Saturn, he’ll be lucky he doesn’t break something. And T Saturn conjunct N Neptune? Come on Russell, you didn’t see the foot infection coming?

A word of advice from one astrologer to another: watch that Uranus transit on your descendent. It could turn your whole life upside down. Ring my special premium telephone number at £3.00 per minute to find out more.

Bounced

2011-09-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

My head teacher gave us all a copy of Matthew Syed’s book “Bounce” to read over the summer holiday. “Bounce” had been on my reading list for awhile and in between furious attempts to re-decorate my kitchen, prepare for the final FAS (Faculty of Astrological Studies) exam, resurrect my blog and feverishly write my own book as well as add to the articles on my website, I read the book.

Matthew Syed is a world class ping-pong champion who attributed his phenomenal success to phenomenal amounts of practice. Well I was impressed! And I was also greatly boosted by his assertions that “talent” is not an inherited trait but an attribute gained through hard work. As a musician, who put in thousands of hours of practice, striving to learn the complicated techniques it takes to play the trumpet, it always wound me up when my mother insisted I “got musical talent” from my grandmother who played the piano (I never heard her). Being “talented” put me under enormous pressure to prove I was talented and fearful of taking risks to prove I wasn’t talented, asserted Syed. It’s a good job my Mercury is in Leo or I might have given up, thought me.

But I digress. . .

Having read Syed’s book thoroughly and having made good notes, I was quite inspired by some of his theories and I was very much looking forward to hearing his motivational talk scheduled for our first inset day when we teachers returned to school following summer holidays.

Syed talked a lot about what was already in his book but I still listened to him, occasionally letting my mind wander back to the FAS exam I was working on. I was thinking about what a long road it was to get to where I was astrologically; how many seminars and conferences (such as the Astrological Association’s conference and the United Astrology Conference) and classes as well as lots and lots of practice. How the FAS’ insistence of perseverance and practice and perfection was expensive but, as I’m struggling in the final throes, I couldn’t argue that it wasn’t thorough or that it wasn’t worth the effort. By working hard, not through coincidence or talent, I had made a lot of ground. I’m chuffed to bits that some of my research is going to be featured on “The Astrology Show” and that my stats counter has gone through the roof for both my blog and my website (yes, I can see you!).

So just as I was thinking all this, Matthew Syed suddenly threw in astrology. Of course my ears pricked up because being an astrologer is very much like walking around with a sign that says “kick me” taped to my butt. I’m pretty used to the kicks but I’ve also developed numerous ways lessening their impact or avoiding them completely. Syed was just about to go down the road of wondering why astrologers persisted in their interests in the light of failure in Empirical Testing. But it was equally clear he was making brash, sweeping comments based on his experience of reading the results of Empirical Testing and the daily horoscopes he reads (or doesn’t) in the newspapers, not his own experience or practice. In other words, he was being a big, fat hypocrite—which really got my goat. Now, in reflection, I think I’m careful about my reputation as an astrologer and protective about the subject of astrology. I don’t go around trying to convert people to astrology or babbling endlessly about it (unless someone expresses clear interest and I reckon that makes them fair game) but I also suddenly realised that I had clocked up 30 years of experience and practice in astrology. Compared to him as a ping pong player, I was Michael Stich (you’ll have to read the book to appreciate this). I invested a lot of money, not in the search for PROOF of my CRAFT but to be able to create works of art I am proud of. I know my craft exists because the labours of my love have appeared in magazines across the world and are collated on my website. I don’t need numbers to tell me my art exists. Needless to say, I wasn’t going to allow his feeble judgments to make me look like an idiot in front of my colleagues—who had all turned around to see how I was going to react (remember my Mercury is in Leo).

There was a split second when I thought “Don’t rise to it, Alex. Just shut your big mouth.” But with everyone looking at me, I felt there was no way I could take this one on the chin.

So I let him have it.

I pointed out that newspaper columns don’t represent me as an astrologer and I let him—and my colleagues—know that Matthew Syed didn’t know what he was talking about when it came to astrology (there was an audible gasp from my colleagues) and that I had practiced way more than him. I also provided him with PROOF that I had read his book by telling him that advanced astrologers lose the ability to guess star signs—in a very similar way to world class athletes lose the ability to slow down and explain how they do what they do.

Alex Trenoweth, astrologer: 1
Non-astrologer who thinks he can run his mouth about astrology: 0

I think it’s safe to say Matthew Syed felt the power of that serve whoosh right past his ear before his ping pong brain registered it was coming. He did the sensible thing and mumbled an apology and admitted that perhaps he should study the subject more before he opens his trap again. Which really was gracious of him. And when his lecture was over, he cut out of the building like a bat out of hell. I didn’t even get his autograph 

Out of curiosity, I thought I’d have a look at his chart. I don’t have his birth time so I can only use a noon chart: 2 November 1970, Reading. As Matthew Syed KNOWS astrology fails under empirical testing, I’m going to guess he won’t mind me applying my faulty and misguided years of practice to a quick art sketch of his chart.

And it’s pretty interesting stuff. There is a massive opposition between planets in Scorpio and his lone wolf Saturn in Taurus. His chart looks like a ping pong match. It’s a life time spent batting things back and forth with great intensity, focus and sheer brute strength. His Mars in Libra, a sign not know for its love of hard work, is conjunct Uranus. It’s a lifetime of refusing to party for want of proving to everyone he’s not really lazy. The conjunction is also opposite Chiron in Aries so this need to prove himself would have cost a lot of pain—people like me continually challenge his perception of self by serving aces to his weak points are all too willing to point this out. Just as I was about to feel sorry for him, I also noticed the noon chart shows the Moon at 17 Sagittarius: no matter what time of day he was born, he would still have the Moon in Sagittarius. It’s like he bounds into other people’s territory, takes a shit but doesn’t take the responsibility to clean up after himself.

I’m going to lay off of Matthew Syed now. If he wants to provide me with his time of birth, I would be honoured to read his chart properly and far more sensitively. I’d even do it for free by way of saying that I thought it took a pretty big man to back down and admit he should stick to things he knows. I admire that and I can admit that I too learned a few things from this.

I wish the BBC could be so congenial. They too can have a free work of art if they say they’re sorry for running their mouths about something they don’t know about and charging me license money to have to listen.

Give it up for Saturn in Pisces!

2011-08-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

Ha! My year group are the business!!

Here's the results from the headteacher:

"I am delighted that we have consolidated all the progress we made last year, and continued our upward trend.

We have our highest ever results (53% A*CEM) a big increase in A*-A results (25%, from 21% last year) and a big jump in 5+A*-C (from 74% last year to 82% this year).

This is due to all our hard work for our students. We couldn’t have done more."

My next year group will have Jupiter in Gemini/Cancer and Saturn in Taurus/Gemini. . .a bit more of a challenge as not all of them have Saturn in the same sign as last time. But if we keep feeding them and giving them stuff to read. . .hey hey, we'll have some scholars on our hands!

Growing Pains

2011-08-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

If I bit my nails, they’d be down to my knuckles. Today is the day before GCSE results are released and I’m under the illusion I’m more nervous than my pupils or their parents. Tomorrow, for every secondary teacher, for every GCSE pupil and their parents, is “The Day of Reckoning”. The newspapers will be full of reports on how exams are getting easier or how teachers are getting worse or a million and one reasons why we should bring back national service or the death penalty for the future scroungers of society who didn’t get their 5 A*-Cs.

I tried to avoid feeling this way because these results, essentially, have no real impact on me or my pupils. Irrespective of the results, the world will keep ticking on, the dust will settle and my little lambs will find their way in this big, big world of never-ending choices. As the head of year 11, this year has been a year of constantly reminding myself of that fact. But, because they have been such a huge part of my life these past five years, I so badly want them to knock the stuffing out of previous results.

Today I find myself in an enormously reflective mood, sheer proof that a teacher is never really on “holiday”.

I hated every second of being a “teenager”. I remember what it was like to not have money in my pocket with no prospect of earning more, I remember how it felt to be reliant on my parents when I just knew I knew better than them and I remember being alienated by strangers, relatives and teachers—and peers—as if I had suddenly grew horns, a pointed tail and started carrying a pitchfork when I hit 13.

For some reason I thought being able to remember all this would make me a better teacher. And to a certain extent it has but what I really think made me a better teacher was becoming a better astrologer.

Astrology can help us understand ourselves AND teenagers, even if we don’t know their birth details. And let’s face it, a lot of astrological information can be completely irrelevant when you are dealing with a screaming, swearing, threatening and intimidating teenager (or their parents) or if, on the flip side, you are mopping up a river of tears because someone has said something to hurt them or the exam pressure has gotten to be too much or if their mobile phone got stolen/broken/confiscated (a touchy subject for our high tech generation) or if the object of their affection has ignored them that day.

During adolescence, two main astrological significators are present for everyone: the first Jupiter return and the first Saturn opposition. There are, of course, other astrological markers for adolescence but many of these vary from person to person. The first Jupiter return and first Saturn opposition provides valuable insight into the rate of growth and development for each year group of people as they pass through adolescence and, handy for people who work with adolescents, require no exact time of birth. On a personal level, I became fascinated with this cycle as a teacher in a secondary school. Did I have to be a passive bystander to the angst that I once went through myself? Or could I use astrology, not to provide all the answers for them (that’s Saturn’s job) but to gain an insight into when they were likely to begin adolescence at the Jupiter cycle and when Saturn was the peak of doing his worst during the first opposition.

As astrologers, we are aware of the symbolism of Jupiter: growth, abundance, confidence, opportunity, higher education, religious beliefs and enthusiasm. At Jupiter’s first return, at (roughly) eleven and half years, our adolescents typically experience a change of school: they go from an elementary or primary school into a bigger school. They meet more children from different schools, they take on more lessons with different teachers and consequently and “coincidentally” expand their horizons—exactly what astrologer might expect in any Jupiter return. As a teacher of this age group, I noticed a huge shift in behaviour: the pupils of this age grew rapidly from energetic children into rowdy, boisterous, emotionally immature but nearly life sized adults. They became much more difficult to control as many of my colleagues will attest. But I know they are Jupiter in Scorpio or Sagittarius (born between September 1994 and August 1995) pupils held in check by Pluto—and I unashamedly used this information to help them (and myself) get a handle their seemingly unrestrained growth spurt. Indeed, there were times I did too good a job in scaring the snot out of them with potential dangers. Several of my pupils swore to me they’d die virgins. . .not that I believe them (but I still like to think they’d be more careful).

A few years after the first Jupiter return, the first Saturn opposition takes place. This happens at roughly the same time we (as teacher, parents and educators) expect our children to “get serious” about their studies and commit to GCSE subjects. They choose their subjects rather than have a variety imposed on them as they did during their Jupiter returns. We expect them to be more responsible and take on “work experience” at the end of year 10. We constantly remind them of impending examinations and we threaten them with the ominous words: “One day, you’ll regret not studying more.” All of my pupils, like me, are Saturn in Pisces people and it helped me to know that on our journey together a quiet, meditative environment would give us time to think about our next move. I tried to achieve this through assemblies, our compulsive “collective worship”, a different approach to the other heads of year.

By being aware of the cycles of Saturn and Jupiter, we astrologers are provided with an easy advantage over non-astrologer teachers.

But I guess, as they say, tomorrow the proof will be in the pudding.

PS: I am hoping to present my findings at the United Astrology Conference next year.

New Susan Boyle Article!

2011-08-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

Well, as they say, better late than never! My new Susan Boyle article:
http://alextrenoweth.com/?page_id=454

PS Happy Birthday to my astro buddy Jules Venables!

What Mars Has to Work For, Venus Gets For Free. . .

2011-08-18T04:48:00.000-07:00

With a triple conjunction of the Sun, Venus and Mercury in Leo opposite Neptune/Chiron today, there has been a lot of talk about the exposure of blatant female sexuality and its effect on young girls.

Like riots and unruly teenagers, this issue is not a new one. The ancient Greeks even made up a soap opera about it: it was called “The Aphrodite and Ares Show” (the Romans had their version too, starring Venus and Mars). In the Greek version, Ares was born pissed off and ready to fight. He travelled around with a few of his homies looking for trouble and very often finding it—usually being too reckless to avoid injury. The other gods laughed at him. A lot. By contrast, Mars was the Roman god of war, honoured, respected and whose name comes from the Latin words “to shine.” Aphrodite and Venus were both beautiful. Um, that’s it really. Beautiful and up their own assets about how beautiful they were.

In our charts, we also have the Mars/Venus show, very often playing in re-runs but acting out our own unique script. To give you an example, I thought we could use Melanie C from the Spice Girls and Rhianna, who are at the centre of this week’s comments on young female sexuality. Because I’m only looking at Venus and Mars by sign and aspect, I am using noon charts.

Melanie Chisholm (12 Jan 1974), a new mum, is worried her daughter is learning too much too young. In her chart, Mars is at 7 Taurus and her Venus at 9 Aquarius. Mars in Taurus is slow, sensual and can’t resist picking flowers wherever he goes in a bid to entice Venus to the bedroom. Venus in Aquarius is not known for being very cuddly—in fact, she likes her own company and prefers to do things her own way. Oh and she hates flowers. In Melanie’s Venus/Mars soap opera, the characters are at each other’s throats, Mars wants to go for long country walks and Venus just wants to play on the computer. Recently, Mars’ good pal, Jupiter (by conjunction) has been around and the two of them have eaten everything in the cupboards and are generally overwhelming Venus with lecherous demands for blow jobs and more donuts. No wonder Melanie’s saying enough is enough.

Rhianna (20 February 1988) has recently re-vamped herself by hitting the gym and sitting astride giant cannons in order to sell a few more records. Her Mars is at 27 Sagittarius and her Venus at 12 Aries. Mars in Sagittarius is known for his love of the chase, adventure and risks. Sagittarius is a fire sign, a male sign, a bold, brash and fast sign. Venus in Aries is equally fiery, male, bold, brash, fast and extremely impulsive. It’s real poke-my-tits-in your eyes energy. Can you see how these characters might play out in a soap opera? There’s no stopping these two! However, Saturn is paying her a visit (by opposition) and like an old, conservative poppa, has been telling her to put ‘em away. Added to this, Melanie’s old poppa (in opposition to Rhianna’s Mars), is acting like British Airways during a volcanic eruption: “Sit down, sonny, you ain’t goin’ no where for a long time.” However, Neptune has been passing over Rhianna’s Sun, by forward, retrograde and stationing motions. Rhianna is a beautiful woman but she is addicted and dazzled by the boost (which is much better than hitting the bottle) she gets from her adoring fans, the glare of the paparazzi and the glossy magazine pages baring her, um. . . you get the picture. She’ll come to her senses. And soon enough, she’ll be a mother herself worried that her daughter is getting the wrong idea.

The London Riots: The Breaking of the Shell

2011-08-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite writers, Kahlil Gibran, once wrote: “Your pain is but the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." I dislike catastrophe just as much as anyone else. And yet a crisis, whether for an individual or a country, gives us an opportunity to let go of things that are no longer working and embrace newer ideas, no matter how painful it may be to let go of the past (there is rarely a choice to do anything else!).

With this in mind and with the feelings about the London riots running so highly, it’s hard to pitch an astrological commentary of the event. As I am feeling well rested after a much need holiday, I thought I’d give it a shot.

The time I’ve used is the BBC’s reported time for when the violence started. In my opinion, this time is important because up until this point, the protest was a peaceful one whose nature was only to obtain information about the shooting of a loved one. At 20:20 however, police cars were burned and things started getting ugly very quickly. The chart from this time will help shed some light on the astrological circumstances surrounding the riot. It is a mundane chart so the rules are slightly different to ones used for people.

The first thing to catch my eye about this chart is that Neptune and Jupiter are the ruling planets. Over the next few hours, as the violence escalated and the media interest intensified, their importance becomes clearer. There is also an opposition along the ascendant/descendant axis involving Chiron, Neptune and Mercury, all retrograde. An opposition shows tangible challenge and tension that cannot sit ignored or unresolved. Planets along the ascendant/descendant axis become a characteristic of the event. It will become what the public will understand happened and most likely how the media will report how it happened to the rest of the world. There are no surprises here: in the simplest terms, Neptune and Chiron in the 12th represent the collective wounded and their hope for a perfect society. These hopes are challenged, through the opposition to Mercury, by delayed information or the state’s insistence on perceived red tape.

There is a T-square involving a Pluto opposition to Mars, both square to Uranus. This is serious conflict. On its own, a Pluto-Mars opposition is a severe challenge to authority, and running through Cancer and Capricorn, reputation and family ideals are at stake. Uranus, the planet of rebellion (amongst other things), metaphorically kicks these ideals in the goolies. Of course, no one is going to take that so what to do?

What is interesting is how the rest of the astrological story continues to play out. Over short periods of time, (hours rather than days or months, for example), the ascendant changes, thus altering the emphasis of the astrological influences at work. In the next hour of the conflict, Uranus moved to the ascendant position, making him king of the show. Now the protest has become mob rule with individuals impatiently demanding their rights and using their high tech mobile phones to out-fox those in authority.

By the time the Tottenham post office catches on fire at 22:15, Jupiter has moved to be ruler of the chart and the flavour of the riot has changed again. In astrology, Jupiter is usually seen as “the Good Guy”, the benevolent god who calls on our higher morals to behave ourselves. And it’s a damn good thing he and Pluto, god of the underworld are on the same team (in trine) in this chart. However, Jupiter is also the god of opportunity and a square to the Venus/Sun conjunction in Leo shows that anything glittering and belonging to “the leaders” looks like it might be up for grabs. Think of the things that got nicked: status symbols, such as designer clothes/shoes and high tech gadgets such as phones or flat screen televisions.

By 1:00 am, Mars has taken pole position. Astrologically, Mars rules fires, weapons and impulsive fighting. Mars’ position in Cancer means that there is an element of tenacity in the battle and a strong need to protect the family or one’s home ground. By this time, the riots had the attention of the media. Pluto was also sitting on the descendant, therefore making its themes the very first thing reported by the mass media (Neptune was conjunct the MC and Uranus remained as the apex of the T-Square between Uranus and Mars) reported to the rest of the world. And boy, did England look like stinking mess.

Pluto gives us a chance to have a look at what isn’t right about our society and bring it to the light to be healed. As I’ve written in a previous post, when Hercules met the Hydra, he had to learn the hard way that chopping off heads wasn’t the way forward. The answer he found was that confronting his greatest fears by grabbing the beast and having a good look at what lies beneath.

The last time Pluto was in Capricorn (and Uranus was in Aries), during the 1760s, there was some mighty strong talk in America about certain revolutionary changes involving England that would bring about a better society. . .

The Power of Words

2011-08-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

With all the bad news going on about the news, I thought it might be interesting to look at the chart of William Randolph Hearst, media magnate, inspiration for Citizen Kane and the creator of the so-called yellow press.

Hearst was born on 29 April 1863 at 5:58 am in San Francisco. Mercury in the 12th house rules the 2nd and is loosely conjunct Pluto. Perhaps working intuitively, Hearst was able to sniff out the nitty-gritty of a story, sensationalise it, sell it and by that process, he became a very successful and very wealthy man. Taking over his father’s newspaper business just as Pluto entered Gemini in 1886, he employed writers such as Jack London and Mark Twain, securing his newspaper’s popularity within a few years. By 1895, he was locking horns with Joseph Pulitzer.

To give an example of the power of Pluto in Gemini, we can just about safely say a few well placed words started a war with Spain in 1898—with both Hearst and his arch rival Joseph Pulitzer in agreement that Spain was responsible for the explosion on The Maine (an American Battleship harboured near Havana Cuba). The real cause of the explosion remains a mystery to this day. But that didn’t stop the USA entering into war with Spain.

Frank Luther Mott (1941) defines yellow journalism in terms of five characteristics (Frank Luther Mott, American Journalism (1941) p. 539):
1. scare headlines in huge print, often of minor news
2. lavish use of pictures, or imaginary drawings
3. use of faked interviews, misleading headlines, pseudo-science, and a parade of false learning from so-called experts
4. emphasis on full-color Sunday supplements, usually with comic strips (which is now normal in the U.S.)
5. dramatic sympathy with the "underdog" against the system.

Not too much different from recent newspaper tactics! Pluto, of course, has moved on and currently nestles in Capricorn, making us far less interested in a few clever words and more interested in preserving our reputations.

With Neptune hovering between Aquarius and Pisces and Uranus in Aries, I wonder if we are seeing the beginning of the end of the newspaper business. Neptune would collect high tech info as it passed through Aquarius. In Pisces, its own sign, glamour for its own sake as well as rumour and speculation could reach epic proportions—however, Uranus in Aries will force us to streamline the information gathered through high technology. The era of high tech headlines only--without the Sunday supplement, editorial, extra columns and funnies--perhaps?

Norway

2011-07-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

Before this week, I have to admit that I usually don’t give a lot of thought to Norway. It always seemed to be such an innocuous country that it’s hard to believe such a terrible atrocity could have occurred there—it never would have even entered my imagination to look up its mundane chart.

According to Nicholas Campion’s “The Book of World Horoscopes,” Norway succeeded from Sweden at a session of the parliament (the “Storling”) on 7 June 1905 at the estimated time of 11am.

The chart of countries can be controversial because they represent a collective shift in public consciousness that completely ignores any dissent from those without power or voice. A good example of this is the constitution of the United States—if Native Americans had their voice, I’m pretty sure George Washington would have slipped into obscurity.

I digress. . .

The chart of the country is usually constructed from the time of huge collective shift usually heralded by a new constitution and a declaration of independence that is generally accepted by the majority. Thus, we have the time and date of Norway’s chart.

The chart shows Pluto in Gemini in conjunction with the Sun in the 11th house. Pluto had a bad reputation even though it lost its status as a planet—we can always smell him coming. But all charts have the rotten spot but does it always have to be so unpleasant?

Let's have a gander at the Pluto of Norway at 21 degrees of Gemini in the 11th house.

Generally, the 11th house is regarded as “friendly” and that it has something to do with the country’s long term hopes and wishes. I usually associate Pluto in Gemini with the yellow press that was prominent in the late 1800’s “To hell with Spain, remember the Maine” and all that you-can-crush-a-man-with-journailsm stuff of William Randolph Hearst (who had Uranus in Gemini). With Pluto in Gemini, a little rumour can be a dangerous thing. I think with Sun’s conjunction to Pluto, the people in power in Norway are not afraid to air their difficulties in public: Norway would seem to be a country that says “we’re not perfect but love us anyway”.

On the 22 July at about 3:30pm, Transit Mars hit the Pluto of Norway and all hell broke loose in the town centre of Oslo. Although Mars would transit Pluto every couple of years, it was the added whammy of the nodal axis that set the destiny of violence into motion. This combination would happen once in centuries. On top of this, Anders Breivik’s Neptune (remember the discussion about his Neptune in the previous post?) was on the North Node of the massacre. Breivik, with his Chiron on the Venus of Norway, sought to profoundly damage the country’s ability to enjoy their peaceful lives. With Venus in Taurus, an idyllic beauty spot was the metaphorically “perfect” setting for his terrible act when viewed astrologically.

It was profoundly touching to see the government’s response to the violence: there were no calls for violence or retaliation; instead there was the peaceful, dignified silence of acceptance. Norway's response reminded me of the myth of Hercules and the Hydra. Hercules had to antagonise the monster from her cave by shooting fiery arrows into where she was hiding (like Mars antagonised Pluto in Norway's chart). Of course, the monster emerges, raging and murderous. Hercules, being Hercules, tries to kill her by cutting off her heads (the hydra had three). But instead of dying, the Hydra just spouted new heads. To kill the beast, Hercules had to kneel in the smelly slime beneath the Hydra and lift her to the sun. In light of the sun, the Hydra withered, leaving behind a crystal. This was exactly what Norway has done, astrologically of course, and in doing so, a terrible tragedy was transformed into a collective message of human grace from which the entire world can learn. A glorious demonstration of what can happen if face our fears and bring them to the light.

Anders Breivik

2011-07-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

When someone blows up a city centre with a homemade fertiliser bomb and then dresses up as a policeman, grabs a machine gun and murders 70+ kids on a picturesque island, one doesn't need validation of that person's insanity.
What I do like doing though is showing how the astrology is working.
Anders Breivik was born on 13 February 1979 in London according to Wikipedia. Because the time is unknown, I'm using the time as noon. Without the angles nor exact position of the Moon, the information available is limited but not to the point where the astrology can't be seen.

Like Amy Winehouse, Breivik's chart contains a magic triangle. Whereas Amy had Saturn/Pluto as the tip, Breivik has Neptune. His focus was cloudier, flimsier and much, much harder to pin down (see previous entry on Amy's Pluto/Saturn for a contrast). Anyone can be a drug addict, a drunkard, a sympathiser or an idealist (all traits of Neptune) but Neptune's position and contacts to other planets show how a native embraces the nebulous attraction of Neptune. Think about the pull of the sea: to some of us the idea of swimming in the ocean a terrifying one (some of us grew up in the 70s when "Jaws" was popular!), some of us might find it exhilarating (like surfers), some might see it as something to be conquered (deep sea fisherman) and some of us might find it fascinating (like Jacques Cousteau). Breivik had a Sun/Mars conjunction in Aquarius trine to Pluto in Libra, all three planets pointing to his Neptune by sextile. With different lifestyle choices, Breivik could simply have ended up as the town drunk. Instead he became drunk on the idea of religious perfection (Neptune in Sagittarius). In Breivik’s case, “the pull of the sea” would have felt pretty irresistible--especially as North Node began transiting his Neptune earlier this year. With this, the attraction of Neptune became not only interesting but something that may have felt "fated" to him.
But there are other things happening too. . .
For the past couple of years, Neptune had been doing the boogie-woogie all over his natal Sun and Mercury. Perhaps the siren’s call to a perfection?
Transit Uranus began a long stretch going over and passing then retreating and re-passing (by retrograde motion) over his progressed Sun, destabilising an already eccentric centre-self (Sun and Mercury in Aquarius square to Uranus). Of course, not all Aquarians are unstable—but they do enjoying holding unique or even unpopular beliefs. Breivik goes way beyond simple eccentricity. Someone, somewhere probably tried to tell Breivik he was behaving oddly but he probably turned around and said “But I’m right.”
So far, no one has said much about Breivik’s love life but something unusual is here too and is worth a look.
Natally, he most likely had a Saturn/Moon conjunction in Virgo. He’d hardly be a fluffy bunny kind of boyfriend: he’d most likely fix that cold, icy stare on you if you were anything less than perfect. This is trine to Venus in Capricorn—again, hardly cosy. Venus in Capricorn is not known for its love of soft furnishings. This guy is about as comfortable as a bed of nails. Transit Pluto in Capricorn was slowly making its way to Natal Venus, thus setting off what may be construed as a very unpleasant love affair with cold discomfort and harsh reality—and complete unpredictability. The image of those poor teenagers rushing to the good-looking, heroic policeman for help only to be gunned down as they stood is a tragic metaphor for this.
Nope, still not up to jokes. . .

Amy Winehouse: Newest Member of the "Club of 27"

2011-07-25T05:57:00.001-07:00

It doesn’t seem many people were surprised to hear of the news of the death of Amy Winehouse. For months, she had been tottering on the nebulous edge of reality, every moment of undignified escapism chronicled in the tabloids, held up for ridicule via sloppy double entendre (“Amy boo-zed in Belgrade”), making less hedonistic heads shake in wonder. What a waste of talent, we said.

Indeed. Hers was a voice we’re not going to see the likes of again for some time.

But we said the same about Janis Joplin.

Like Janis, Amy hardly lived up to the reputation of her star sign. A Virgo, Amy reeked of the messy addictions so often attributed to her Sun’s opposite sign, Pisces. Here she was falling out of yet another club, beehive comically askew, stilettos long abandoned, too scrawny, eyes rolling in her head, off her face on God knows what, her family and friends scratching their heads, horror-struck. Where did it all go wrong?

Amy was born to a Jewish family in Southgate London on 14 September 1983 at 10:25 pm (Source: Frank Clifford quotes Winehouse's mother to a mutual friend of astrologer Margaret Zelinski. RR: A). She began singing and playing the guitar shortly before her first Saturn opposition. By the age of 20, she had been signed to Simon Fuller’s record company and the rest, as we like to say, is history. She stormed into our cultural consciousness with “Valerie” and “Rehab”. Beehive blazing, she was a jazzy cross between Sarah Vaughan and Morticia from the Addams Family.

Astrologically, Amy was a Mercurial character: her ascendant was in Gemini with its ruler in Virgo as well as a Mars-Venus conjunction in the 3rd house. Her career and public image were often described as “dichotomous” a handy synonym for Mercurial influences. However, the majority of planets are in the northern hemisphere, countering Mercury’s need to communicate and receive information openly. What we saw in Amy’s performances were pure, gut wrenching, honest emotions—when she sang about not wanting to go to rehab, she wasn’t kidding. No one with Moon conjunct Neptune would take well to keeping one’s feet on terra firma. And in the seventh house, this aspect manifested in her choice of men, none of whom were in any position to be a positive role model to sobriety. Added to this was a trine to the Venus-Mars conjunction in Leo. Nothing Leo energy does is quiet or subtle: we got the drunken lion’s roar with every snap shot of the paparazzi. As she publically fell apart earlier this year, Transit Pluto was beating on the threshold of the Moon-Neptune aspect, setting off the rapid destruction of this aspect. Her Progressed Moon's presence only seemed to signal sobriety was not in sight.

Like the other members of the Club of 27, Amy died as Transit Uranus was trine to her Natal Uranus. Perhaps the age of 27 is the soul's first opportunity for a shot at re-invention. I'll leave it to you to contemplate the other possible manifestations. As the first Uranus trine always occurs before the first Saturn return, the native may simply lack the experience and maturity to survive such a shake-up. We get another chance to re-invent ourselves at around 54 and a final attempt at 84.
Natal Pluto and Saturn, in disassociate conjunction (Pluto in Libra, Saturn in Scorpio) in the fifth house, formed the apex of a magic triangle configuration, also very much like the one prominent in the charts featured in the other members of the “Club of 27”. Any configuration of “easy” aspects produces an electrifying zing of never ending energy. Planets caught up in the configuration by transit or progression only serve as food to be consumed by the raging gods. A Saturn-Pluto conjunction as a focus for this configuration could have acted like a shield for Amy’s emotional turbulence. The need to party away the nerves of Neptune-Moon but yet have all the attention the Venus-Mars conjunction in Leo craves could have led to a much faster burn out had it not been for the steely reserve of Amy’s Pluto-Saturn conjunction. Without this aspect, in the fifth house, performing live may not have been possible for a vulnerable personality like her’s. No matter how much "talent" a person possesses, without nerves of steel (naturally occurring or otherwise), a performer is impotent on stage. And Amy performed live over and over and over again.

Generally speaking, squares usually add "grit" to a chart. They make a character, forcing it to do something to overcome limitations rather than passively wait for answers to arrive like a bolt from the blue. Sadly, Amy’s Sun-Mercury conjunction in 4th in Virgo needed emotional and mental precision as a way to express the anguish of living in an imperfect world. In a career where alcohol, fame and drugs are so readily available, Amy Winehouse fell into the abyss.

And no, I'm not ready to make a joke about that.

The Newest Member of the Club of 27

2011-07-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to write that Amy Winehouse qualifies as the newest member of the "Club of 27".
Why Amy? I hear you ask. Does anyone who dies at the age of 27 qualify for the infamous "Club of 27"?
I'm afraid not.
The Club of 27 has had many potential members who have simply died at the age of 27. These include Pigpen of the Grateful Dead and Kirsten Pfaff of Hole and many other, rather obscure, yet semi-notable figures in the world of rock n roll. These folks had "fans" but not the fanatical followers of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones and Kurt Cobain. We're always sorry for those who die young but not just anyone can join the ranks of the exclusive Club of 27.
Amy Winehouse was notable because she was a talented, award winning lead singer. Her talent made her stand out, not just her hedonistic lifestyle, her recklessness or her need for attention. Most importantly, Amy Winehouse stood out on her own: she didn't need anyone to cling on to. She was a Grammy winning solo artist and had rightly won an inclusion in the "1001 Albums to Listen to Before you Die" book. Her voice was remarkable and life changing, her talent raw, evocative and we won't see the likes of it any time soon.
The Club of 27 is exclusive club and a very reluctant one: Welcome Amy Winehouse.
And no, no one wants any more members.
More on the Club of 27: http://www.clubof27.com/
Or, perhaps we should just mourn the 90+ people who died in Norway. . .

Caput Algol: DUCK!

2011-05-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

The fixed star Algol has fascinated me for years. I even named one of my cats Perseus. And so with the Sun approaching conjunction of the fearsome Gorgon's head during the full moon, I thought we could reflect (as opposed to look directly at) this fixed star.
Firstly, there's been some pretty gruesome news in Tenerife with the beheading of an innocent grandmother. I don't know the woman's birth details so I can't comment on whether or not she has personal contacts to Algol but it seems very "coincidental" that the news of her beheading emerged on the very same day as Nick Berg's beheading a few years ago--on the day when the Sun was approaching Algol.
Anne Boleyn (5 May 1507) and was executed by beheading and had Mercury conjunct Algol (Algol was at 19 Taurus in 1507). Saddam Hussein (28 April 1937) also had Mercury conjunct Algol and was executed by hanging.

I also think it's pretty interesting that Princess Diana had Venus on Algol. She wasn't beheaded but her lover, Dodi Alfayed, died of head injuries in their fatal car crash. I found it a little alarming that Prince William, who also has Venus on Algol, would give his mother's ring to Kate. I'm not predicting head injuries, I'm just saying the symbolism of Algol may be a little hard to shake: personal planets conjunct Algol are said to make pretty intense personalities. Prince William is certainly affected by the Al-ghoulesque themes.
But headlessness isn't necessarily the compulsary manifestation of Algol. Here's a few others:
Julie Gregory, author of "Sickened" the story of a child whose mother had Munchausen by proxy, has a birthday today. She wasn't beheaded but she is the victim of some very strange parenting from someone who seems to be quite sick in the head.

Debra Winger, Sun on Algol, is known for her intense, don't-mess-with-me gaze as well as her unusual voice (Taurus rules the throat).
Leo Buscaglia, "Dr Love" had Venus conjunct Algol. Although he was renowned for his courses entitled "Love 1A," the queues of people who wanted to hug him following his lectures and his bestselling book "Love," he never married.
Tough guy James Caan had his descendant and Mars on Algol. He was married four times producing children with each union.
The plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens and the pilot of the plane they were flying in also had Mars conjunct Algol. The all died of massive traumas to the brain. Additionally, the pilot had Mars opposite Algol and Valens had Uranus conjunct Algol (just like John Lennon and Bob Dylan).
There's tons of stuff on the web about Algol but here's a few things to bear in mind:
1) Algol doesn't always mean headlessness but often there are elements of the myth associated in the person's life: jealousy, being "head strong," and intensity.
2) Algol is currently at 26 degrees Taurus but owing to precession, moves one degree every 72 years.
3) Here's a few sites of interest for Algol lovers everywhere
http://www.skyscript.co.uk/algol.html
Diana Rosenberg has the ultimate article but I can't find it at the moment.
4) A lot of people who have Algol contacts haven't lost their heads
5) A lot of people who don't have Algol contacts have lost their heads
6) A lot of astrologers treat Algol with a pinch of salt.

Make a joke out of Algol I hear you ask?
Okee dokee. . .
What can you never give the headless horseman?
A headache!
And of course, there's always a fine line of you so ugly jokes to choose from. . .
1.You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
2.If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
3.You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
4.If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
5.You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
6.You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control... your face will do just fine.
7.You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
8.You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
9.You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
10.You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
11.You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you

Flat Earth

2011-05-06T02:34:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, I met the lovely Christine Garwood, author of “Flat Earth: the History of an Infamous Idea”. She was presenting her findings about the very interesting Flat Earth Society at a Lodge History seminar. The Flat Earth Society asks some very interesting questions about some things we take for granted.

One of the most difficult things for me to do when I first started studying astronomy several (a-hem) years ago was to get the images in my head to move in a 3-D circular motion. For example, on paper, the phases of the moon look like this:

But in reality, it looks nothing like this as we experience it on earth and it was difficult to train my brain to get the earth and moon to move in rotation and revolution. It was a similar problem with understanding retrograde motion:

But I do understand (I think) anyway why the earth must be a sphere and not a flattened disk: because Aristotle said so!

OK, maybe it’s more to do with the fact that these days I am much more adept at getting the imaginary earth in my head to rotate and revolve around an imaginary sun. All the same, it’s not such a bad idea to try to see something from another person’s point of view every now and again. Even if you do think they’re wrong.

To celebrate getting it wrong. . .here’s a little Mars opposite Uranus joke just for you:

Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh, Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

In Amsterdam

2011-04-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

I'm still struggling to catch up with my blog!
Part of this is due to me launching my website which neatly compiles some of the articles I've published these past few years.
My new website (still under construction) is:
www.alextrenoweth.com
Catchy, eh?
I went to Amsterdam In February which was meant to be a break but ended up being a sad event: just before I boarded the plane, I learned my good friend Maurice McCann had died. Although Maurice hadn't been in good health, it was quite a nasty shock. I will write more about this wonderful man in coming posts but I know Maurice would want me to focus on the beautiful weather and to continue to get in touch with other astrologers.
Luckily, to take my mind off of my sadness, I met the lovely Karen Hamaker-Zondag who runs her own highly successful astrology school in Amsterdam.

Karen also has a very impressive array of books in her shop (my daughter Jess is the model):

Karen and I also discussed the Sibley chart at length, inspiring me to commence work on why I continue to use the Sibley chart when most other astrologers have abandoned it.
I'll need a little more space to explain so watch my website!
In honour of the hard-working Karen and the honourable Maurice McCann, here's a little Saturn conjunct Mercury joke--with an opposition to Neptune:
William Shakespeare walks into the pub and orders a pint.
The barman looks at William and says: "Look, I told you before: You're Bard!"

Yup, still here. . .

2011-03-12T00:55:00.000-08:00

Gosh, with my blogger stats counter suddenly going through the roof after four months of silence from me, I thought I had better update! I don't know if the new guests are interested in astrology, crop circles, dirty jokes or me but whoever you are, thanks for the attention--that makes my moon in Leo very happy indeed.
So what HAVE I been up to?
As I announced in September, I decided I was going to spend less time working and more time having fun. Well, the having more fun bit has been quite successful but the working less bit has. . .well, not worked. I've been extremely busy, er, working. And having fun.
Let's see. . .
I wrote another novel in November as part of the National write a novel in a month month, which was why I was too busy to blog in November.
In December, I had just about the worse case of flu I've ever had. . .and then I spent part of the Christmas holidays in Marrakesh where I witnessed a lunar eclipse just before dawn and then went to the other side of the hotel to watch the sunrise.
That awed me into shutting up for awhile.
Here's the photo to prove I was indeed moved to reverent awe and silence:

As for a smutty joke. . .with what's happening in Japan, I somehow don't quite feel up to making jokes today. So sorry if you've popped in for that.
Oh and a reminder the the Astrological Lodge of London meets up at the Theosophical Society on Monday nights.
The next Quarterly in nearly ready so stay tuned. . .

Ahhhh. . .half term

2010-10-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm tired!
That's all I can say...
I leave you with a Pluto cj the IC joke:

The Ojibwa tell this story about twins, one a pessimist and the other an optimist. When they were about 5, their parents took them to the Medicine Man to see if there was anything they could do. The Medicine Man told them to give the pessimist everything he wanted for his birthday and to give the optimist a pile of horse shit. It would be sure to cure their stubborn ways. So on the morning of their birthdays, the parents did as the Medicine Man instructed and they waited outside the tipi to listen. The pessimistic son opened a huge pile of gifts and, as they expected, he was grumbling about it the whole time. The optimistic son however, was squealing in delight over his horseshit. In fact he was throwing it in the air and rubbing it in his hair. Alarmed, his parents burst in and asked what he was so happy about. The optimist said: “Well, with all this horseshit all over the place, there has to be a pony for me somewhere!”

New Crop Circle Theory, part 3

2010-10-12T06:33:00.001-07:00

OK, so here's how it goes. . .
The area of Wiltshire is crop circle heaven and with Avebury and Stonehenge around, it is naturally quite a magical place to a lot of people. In fact, it's so magical that the UK government thought it would be a great idea to surround the area with a military training ground so while you're wandering around in awe, you occasionally have to duck because of the low flying jet planes. Pure martial stuff. .
The area also boasts the famous Silbury Hill:

Various theories about Silbury Hill abound but it seems to have been a very special place to people on the islands for a very long time. In fact, it's even been referred to as "womb".
Near to Silbury Hill is Avebury. Now perhaps I can, every now and again, be known for my somewhat distracted mind that tends to wander onto one topic but doesn't Avebury look something like a breast?

Added to that, the area is mainly chalk and it has been said the water in the moat surrounding Avebury had been white. . .as in, like milk.
And the final piece of the puzzle. . .
Within Avebury (okay, actually within a pub within Avebury), there is a well that suspiciously looks like a erm, cervix:

So there is a womb, breast, a cervix all continually patrolled by the very martial military. My theory? Aliens are attracted to it because it is a giant human breeding ground! They use crop circles to signal to their friends that this is the perfect place to interbreed with humans. . .that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!
To celebrate theories, here is a very special Mercury conjunct Mars joke:
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it. “Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Crop Circle Theory, part 2. . .

2010-10-12T06:22:00.001-07:00

The classic place to stay if you're going crop circle hunting is "The Barge Inn". It's a nice pub with some really nice locals. You can camp out back which I did for a few nights (great opportunity to star gaze too!).

And it's even more fun if you can bump into Gary "The King of crop circles" King:

Gary and I had breakfast and he told me of all his wonderful plans which included pyramids in South America where he'll be touring for the next few months. I hope he brought his spider swatter. . .
Anyway, it was great to meet up with him and make plans to find the next circle.

In honour of Gary and all other clever men, I give you a very special Venus in the 6th house joke. . .

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

And now for my new crop circle theory. . .

2010-10-12T05:57:00.000-07:00

So there I was in the fields of Wiltshire crop circle hunting. . .

Up close, the circles take on a more eerie feeling. Kind of like being watched by someone. . .here's some closer detail:

and a bit more. . .

And here's an aerial view. . .

That's all well and good I hear you say but what is that to do with a new theory?
For several years, I've been watching crop circles, been hanging around croppies and listening to their stories about where they come from. And until now, I didn't really have a theory as I didn't think it mattered where they came from. They were just fascinating bits of geometrical design and I regarded them as the most avant guard works of art.
But over the summer, I had a bit of a revelation and I'll be sharing my new theory just as soon as I get a few astro jokes out of my system. . .I'll call this one Jupiter conjunct Mars:
A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass.
When he is finished the bartender says, ”Well I guess you owe me $500."
The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then asks: "How did you get that money from them?"
The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad."

This is how I feel about PDF conversions!

2010-08-26T02:38:00.001-07:00

Every time I think I finish the Quarterly and try to do the conversion to PDF, something screws up! A margin will shift, one of the headers or footers will move themselves around, text boxes will magically take residence where they're not supposed to and mess up the pagination.
Anyway, this is how I feel about the process. . .
Let's call it Saturn square Mercury. . .

Pisces Full Moon: ferget tryin' to be purreckt

2010-08-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

Most of this summer I've been writing and fussing and correcting and looking for mistakes. . .
So imagine my curiosity when on a break, I saw a very pretty woman stomping down the road, carrying a huge bouquet of red roses. With a face like thunder (her face, not mine!), I watched in awe as she dumped the flowers in a tip. Ever the elegant romantic, once she was out of sight, I fished out the roses (when I knew the woman was out of sight), brought 'em home and stuck 'em in a vase. Aren't they pretty??
I reckon whatever the man had done to have his woman dump £70 worth of roses in the bin must have been pretty serious. Nonetheless, they look great on my dresser!

So, thank you Ms Perfection. I'm glad you're fussy!
In honour of being excused from the pressure of perfection on this full moon in Pisces night. . .a little Neptune in the 3rd joke. . .I suppose, given the circumstances, we could stretch it to a Venus cj Neptune in the 3rd!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine. I'VE just quit drinking."

My New Theory

2010-08-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

I have a new theory on crop circles which I will be unveiling shortly. In the meantime, please enjoy a very special Mercury conjunct Jupiter distraction:

Hermitage

2010-08-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well, with Saturn square my Venus this summer you'll have to forgive me for being a little aloof. I've had a good few week to think some things over and to make some decisions. After a very hard school year I have decided that:
1) The days of me running around 11 different classrooms are a thing of the past. I will never do that again. This September, it would appear I will have my own classroom. As far as I am concerned, this means I will ALWAYS have my own classroom. At my school, I have the most seniority and therefore I will not be engaging in the game of "make the newbies happy". I had to work hard for about four years before I could enjoy the very few benefits of being an experienced teacher. I was told my suffering would make me a better teacher and so I think the newbies will also benefit from the experience of teaching every lesson in a different classroom.
2) I have a life outside a classroom. That's right. I'm imposing boundaries. My day finishes at 4:30, every day. No more moon lighting for me!!! Dinner and then The Simpsons every night!!
3) With all this "free time" I need a new schedule to allow time to do the things I enjoy. Like astrology. Like playing my trumpet in the South London Jazz Orchestra. Like writing fiction.
Here's a photo of me enjoying life. It's taken at the top of Glastonbury Tor during a recent, much needed holiday. . .
And another thing. . .
Just when I was thinking that telling naughty jokes on my blog was bad for my extremely serious reputation, my very good friend Mike Edwards (more about him later)
reminded me that all good astrologers should remember that, if we want a bit of attention, the astrology world is not the place to search for it!!
In honour of making a few changes, here's a little message for anyone who thinks they will be able to mess with me this academic year. Let's call it Saturn cj Mercury in the eighth:
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Almost there. . .

2010-07-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's my favourite time of year. . .only a few more days of school!!

In honour of happy endings, here's a very special Mars cj Pluto in the 8th house joke:

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, St Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line and St Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," he said, "I'm standing naked inside a refrigerator. . ."

Well, it's hard to beat walking on hot coals. . .

2010-06-19T02:33:00.001-07:00

But I'm going to try!
I'M GOING TO SEE WYNTON MARSALIS TONIGHT!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!
I love Wynton.
Sorry, I guess you have to be a trumpet player to truly appreciate his triple tonguing, his bright, clear tone and his versatility.
I love Wynton.
Oops I'm repeating myself.
In other news, I went to the Sunrise festival a few weeks back and I helped my buddy John Wadsworth with his phenomenal Zodiac Temple. John has been working with experiential astrology for some time now. It was such a privilige to work with a fantastic group of young astrologers. It always warms the cockles of my heart to be with astrologers who like to play with astrology via drama, dance and music. John has been an inspiration with his fabulous choices of music for planets ("Walking on Sunshine" for Mercury in Leo, John?). If you would like to experience John's work, click here for more info on his Alchemical Journey workshops.
As the England team are fluffing about on the field, here's a little comic to remind you of a few more important things in life. I'll simply call it a Saturn funny (bet you didn't know he had a sense of humour!):

As I walked on coals of fire

2010-05-11T03:47:00.000-07:00

30th April, Glastonbury, 10 pm, and I’m ON the bed of glowing coals and walking slowly across. This is to overcome fear, brush away life’s cobwebs and affirm what one CAN DO in life. Symbolically I felt this fiery ground represented one’s ascendant-descendent axis. The Moon was conjunct Antares, the baleful Heart of the Scorpion (within a degree), in adventurous Sagittarius was just crossing my descendent and it was in trine to Mars, which in fiery Leo was transiting my Mercury. Venus was on my Ascendent so this was something about being a woman and getting beyond fear.

The next day was May Day, 1st May and would be a day that I danced with the Green Man, sang with the Devil, drank beer with the May queen - and walked up Glastonbury Tor. I do recommend being in Glastonbury on May Day. When I went back at school, I, as head of year, had chosen the theme word ‘Euphoria’ for that week. So, each day the assembly of the Academy where I work had some experience of this e.g. when one teacher parachuted out of a plane. The picture of me fire-walking was shown, and soon the kids were saying, ‘Miss, you’re really a sick Gangsta!’

I’m grateful to Max and Lisa two of my pals from the old Rainbow Circle astrology camp for inviting me – and choosing such a wonderful time with Moon conjunct Antares trine Mars. Also my natal Uranus conjunct Pluto (1966) was on the MC of the event chart.

Hot Alex

2010-05-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

For May Day weekend, I made my way to Glastonbury to--wait for it--walk on hot coals. It just seemed like such a primeval thing to do--and very appropriate for Beltane. Anyway, here's what it looked like before the fire:

Here it is burning:

Here is the path, ready for walking:

And me:

If you'd like to go firewalking, I highly recommend that you contact my friends Max and Lisa at:
Wizard Well Being

And now, in honour of Beltane a little Mars conjunct Saturn in 8th house joke:
A man goes to a doctor and is interviewed by a female consultant.
"What's the problem?" she asks.
"I can't tell you," he said.
"Why not?"
"Oh, you'll just laugh like everyone else."
"Look," she says, "I'm a professional. I've seen everything and in my 20 years in the medical profession, I have never laughed."
"OK," the man says, pulling down his trousers and pants. He turned to the nurse, revealing the smallest penis she had ever seen. It was about the size of a AAA battery. The female consultant felt the corners of her mouth twitch, then she completely lost control. She threw her head back and roared with laughter.
"I'm so sorry!" she said between guffaws. "I don't know what came over me. What's the problem?"
He said: "It's swollen!"

Hawkwind!

2010-04-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

Blogger has given me an unbelievable amount of grief but I'm back!

For the first time ever, I even managed to complete 2 Astrology Quarterlies. I am so pleased with myself.

I'm also doing another MA and in the throes of finishing my first paper. Why another MA? Because my education hasn't put me in enough debt! Not really. My school asked if I wanted to do and MA in education if they paid for it and I said "yes please!".
So what else is new?

Well, I now have red hair (the greys were freaking me out) and I've just managed to choke down a dose of Chinese medicine. I've also found some very nice photos taken at the Big Green Gathering a few years ago of the band Hawkwind! What a group!

We were just standing around in this hot old marquee and suddenly, everyone was on their feet dancing! It was such a great moment of letting the music take over one's mind, body and spirit.

Of course, it can't be like that all the time and we have to do a bit more concentrating. So, if I have to return to work (because I wasn't smart enough to go to the US for spring break), you, gentle reader, can put up with a little saturn in the 3rd house joke!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Best pun ever

2010-03-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

In honour of Neptune transiting my Natal Venus, a little Gandhi joke.

Gandhi never wore shoes and as a result, he had quite awful bunions. As an enlightened guru, he also didn't eat much and his body was frequently weakened from hunger. Because his digestion often played up, he sufferened from (or rather others suffered from) very bad breath. So, in short, Gandhi was a super-calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed by haliotosis!

Sink or Swim

2010-03-13T04:50:00.000-08:00

Arrrggghhhh!

What a month at school: Saturday tuitions, Parents' Evenings, Options Evenings, a lesson observation, APP folders (don't ask what APP means--boring teacher lingo) and I'm doing FAS exams and an MA in education (because I just don't have enough post graduate certificates that I've gone into debt for to admire).

Oh and the Q is due. . .

As they say, sink or swim.

*blowing up water wings*

The last time I felt so pressurised was when I was doing the dissertation for the MA in CAA. Which reminds me. . .

Above is a picture of us Sophia Centre graduates sharing a meal at UAC in Denver: There's Mary, Brook, Nick Campion, Branka, James, Chris, me and Alice. Don't we look sweet and innocent?

In honour of the time honoured tradition of "when it rains, it pours" so you might as well make a little dance of it, here's a very special Neptune cj Mars in the 12th house joke for over achievers everywhere:

Two eskimos are in a kayak. They get cold and so decide to light a fire. Of course, the kayak sinks. So you see, this really does prove you can't have your kayak and heat it too. . .

Club of 27

2010-03-12T09:06:00.001-08:00

Whilst sorting through some files on my computer, I came across this one of us from "The Club of 27". That's Neil Spencer, John Etherington, Andrew Morton, Nick and me. This seems like such a long time ago! Anyway, shortly afterwards, we were featured in Astrologus, the Serbian astrology magazine. Here we are admiring ourselves (I think Andrew looks like a very contented cat!):

Speaking of cats, my cat, Mr Bubbles is doing a lot better. He's putting on weight and is back to demanding that we stroke him and spoil him.

Anyway, as you undoubtedly know, the Club of 27 is about those who have left this earth at the tender age of 27: Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix.

In honour of the dearly departed but not forgotten here's a very special Pluto in the 8th house joke:

A vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says: "Sorry sir, only 1 carrion item allowed."

Poor Bubbles!

2010-02-27T10:12:00.000-08:00

My darling furry boy kept throwing up and stopped eating a couple of weeks ago so I took him to the vet. His brother Perseus was also sick but was recovering. The vet gave the boys some shots and sent us on our way with some antibiotics. Poor Bubbles kept getting sicker and sicker and skinnier and skinnier! So I took him back to the vet--who couldn't find anything wrong. As Bubbles wasn't eating, he had to go on a drip (see the poor thing, above).

Well, one day, the vet saw loads of cotton thread coming out of Bubbles' little butt and figured it was time to operate! After a four hour operation (which the vet didn't think he'd survive), Bubbles had an awful lot of cottom untangled from his intestines. The vet showed me the thread--and I recognised it from my sewing kit which is zipped up and out of kitty cat sight. Or so I thought. When I got home, I checked--and there was a completely empty spool of the thread I used to sew buttons on my daughter's school uniform!

Arrrrggggggg! Anyway, Bubbles did survive. Here's an updated photo:

He's still as skinny as a mink but he's slowly putting weight back on. He has a big old scar on his stomach so now we call him "Franken-Bubbles".

It's amazing how stressed out we get over our pets!

In (dis)honour of string, here's a little Neptune in the sixth house joke for sick kitties:

A piece of string goes into the bar and yells: "Oi!! Barman! Give me a drink!" The barman picks up the string and throws him into the street.

Thirsty, the string sits down to think of what he's going to do to get a drink. Suddenly, he comes up with a cunning plan. he's going to disguise himself! So he contorts himself into a completely
different shape and frizzes his hair into an afro. He goes back into the bar, hops up on the barstool and smiles sweetly at the bartender.

The bartender says: "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago!"

The string says: "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

Alex and Ronnie Wood!!

2010-02-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

So there I was in Belsize Park, enjoying a curry!! Who should walk in but Ronnie Wood!!

I can't get no satisfaction!! (do pardon the double negative!)

Arrrragggggg!!!!

Of course, he would have to drop in on the very day that I spent the previous 12 hours scraping wallpaper!!

In honour of nice guys (and Ronnie was SO nice, he smiled at my daughter for loudly asking: "Who is Ronnie Wood??"), here's a Saturn-Neptune conjunction in the 6th house joke!!

A frog goes into a bank to ask for a loan for 30,000 pounds. He approaches the teller and can see from the name plate that her name is "Patricia Whack."

"Miss Whack," he says, "I need a loan to go on a much needed holiday."

She stops shuffling her paper pointlessly, stands up and looks down at the frog at the counter. "You're a FROG!" she says. "We don't give loans to dumb animals."

"Look," says the frog, "I know people. My name is Kermit Jagger."

The teller stares at the frog.

"You know," says the frog, "JAGGER. Mick JAGGER is me dad!"

"Oh yeah right," says Patricia Whack, "So what do you have for collateral then?"

The frog pulls out a one inch porcelain pink elephant from his pocket. "Don't forget," he warns her, "I know people."

Playing along, Patricia consults her boss.

"There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow 30,oo0 pounds for a holiday,"she tells him, "Oh and he want to use this," she holds up the little pink elephant, "as collateral!"

To her surprise, the bank manager gasps and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"

PS, thanks Jess for taking the photo!!

Llama Dreams

2010-02-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

I finally sent my novel "Llama Dreams" off to the Amazon Breakthrough Novelist Competition. Woohoo!!

Fingers crossed Transist Uranus conjunct my P. Moon will give me the shock I need!!

In honour of shocks, here's a special Uranus crossing the ascendant joke for llama lover everywhere:

A man boards a train and takes a seat opposite to a woman holding a small baby. As the train moves out of the station, he picks up his newspaper to read it. However, it isn't too long before he is completely distracted by the baby. He smiles at the baby and tries to return to the paper but every time he finds something he wants to read, the baby catches his attention. Before long, the man is laughing. He puts his paper down and says to the young mother: "Bar none, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" and he laughs some more.

The poor mother, however, bursts into tears.

After a few minutes, the man starts to feel bad and he gets up and goes to the buffet car, returning with a cup of tea and a banana.

He holds these out to the mother and says: "I'm really sorry. Here, take these so you know how sorry I am!"

The mother says: "Thanks for the tea but I don't like bananas."

The man says: "The banana isn't for you--it's for your monkey!"

Have a break, faithful soldier

2010-01-24T03:09:00.000-08:00

One of my childhood friends has been residing in Haiti for the past few years. He works for the Salvation Army and I only have the fondest memories of him. When the devasting earthquake struck, the Salvation Army was one of the first organisations to bring aid to the stricken area--and Captain Bob Poff was at the forefront (and another childhood friend, Steve Himes set up the Salvation Army's Haiti website). I'm so proud of Bob. He loves Haiti and he shows his love not by going around asking stupid questions in the hope he can get a book out of it one day but by bringing joy and light within and without disaster. In the initial aftermath, Bob used facebook to communicate with loved ones to let them know he and his family were OK. Later he used it to coordinate Salvation Army relief services. Of course, his story was picked up by the news and Bob was even eventually interviewed (as he drove a truck packed with aid packages!) by Larry King. Here's a link for Bob's eyewitness account.

Bob is now in the US on an enforced break, getting much needed rest and hopefully coming to terms with the tragedy that he's seen.

So no jokes today--just my thanks that there are people like Bob Poff who get off their butts and do something about alleviating the suffering in the world. BTW, Bob is in the third photo down, on the left.

Irreverent? Moi?

2010-01-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

Well, as it turns out, my cat Bubbles thought he knew a few more things about windows than I did so I put him in charge. And what does he do? He forgets to update my blog. So, that's it. The cat's sacked and I'm back in charge.

It's been a hectic few weeks for Bubbles' slave (me) and I've been up to my eyeballs with Ofsted and a few other frivolities. Do I sound a bit contrite? Well, I am--at least a little bit because after all this time, this blog has finally got a mention on the AA website. And Bubbles has let us all down.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Bubbles, no whiskas for you. Not until I get home anyway.

So, it was my turn to give the lecture at the Lodge last night. Now I'm not one to boast (a-hem) but I thought I did all right. I finished on time and I did everything I meant to do. And no one threw anything at me. Oh and my topic was "The Day the Music Died" about the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens (along with an even seasoning of Don McLean and Madonna.

But back to Mr Bubbles.

Here's a little kitty cat joke as a thank you for his big heart and even bigger purr. Let's call it a Venus in the 6th house joke for cat lovers everywhere (who happen to know that what happens in the joke could never happen to a cat!):

A salesman dropped into to see a customer. Not a soul was in the office except for a big dog who was busy emptying rubbish bins. The salesman stared at the dog, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looks at him and says: "Don't be surprised. It's just part of my job!"

"Incredible!" shouted the salesman. "Does your owner know what an incredible dog you are? Imagine! A dog who can talk! I should tell him so you can be on television!"

"No, no, no," said the dog. "Don't tell him or he'll have me answering the phones next!"

Highlight of 2009

2009-12-31T09:38:00.001-08:00

Well, excluding being with my family (because that is so obviously the highlight of my year), I think I'll have to say the highlight of my year was seeing Janis Joplin's car:

Of course, I took note of the time! And have a look at the chart above. There's the Sun cj my Mercury and have a look at me and Janis' opposing suns being transited by the Moon's Nodes!

Anyway, I wish you a very happy new year! Here's a special triple conjunction of Neptune, Jupiter and Mercury joke:

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Recovering

2009-12-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

It's taken me a full week to recover from this hectic term! I'm just about to the point where I'm ready to venture out into the world!

While I've been recovering and NOT thinking about school, I've been writing a novel. I'm very pleased to say I've reached 55,000 words and am very near to completing the first draft. I'm also preparing a talk for the Lodge and re-working my MA dissertation, having been inspired by my friend Darby. It's so much more fun than teaching teenagers to appreciate random chunks of Shakespeare chosen for them by them by the good people who also insist on inflicting inspections on teachers because that makes teaching such a joyful profession.

Anyway, I don't want to complaing about work on Christmas day! I want to share the joy of having good, spontaneous friends who pop in for tea on the way home from a hard day of busking! Here's a photo of my friend Sebastian who did just that. He even had a special song for my cat, Mr Bubbles and his magical spacesuit. Here's the photo:

To celebrate spontaneous moments, here's a spontaneous moment that marked the beginning of the tradition for putting an angel on top of the Christmas tree. Let's call it Saturn in 6th for when there's a bad day at work.

One Christmas Eve, Santa was having a very bad day. Firstly, his best elves came down with swine flu and had to be replaced with less experienced elves who weren't as quick as the other ones. So Santa was feeling the pressure of falling behind schedule.

And then Mrs Claus announced her mother was coming over for Christmas dinner and this really upset poor Santa.

And then three of the reindeer escaped. It took a good while to round them up, making him even more late.

And then, as he was loading the sleigh, the bag ripped and toys spilled all over the place. So he had to pick them up but discovered the address tags had come off. It took some time to sort this out.

By this time, he was so late, he thought it wouldn't matter if he took a few more minutes to get a quick shot of rum from indoors. He was in such a rush that just as he got the bottle opened, it slipped from his mittened hands and crashed to the floor.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Furious, Santa went to answer it.

A little angel stood there with a Christmas tree in her little hands. "Merry Christmas, Santa," she said cheerfully. "I have a Christmas tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus came the tradition of the angel on top of the tree.

It's behind you!

2009-12-18T04:37:00.000-08:00

Every year my school puts on a Christmas Pantomime--which displays the very bizarrest of British humour.

I'm so worn out, I don't think I'll be able to hold up my wine glass to make a toast to the end of the term.

Oh wait, I seem to be getting my strength back. . .

Bad Daughter

2009-12-17T09:34:00.001-08:00

On top of everything else I've forgotten, I've left me mum out. Sorry mum. Love you and happy birthday.

Here's a photo of us on the reservation:

To celebrate having a great mum (just look how I turned out!), here is very special, very clean joke Saturn in the 4th house joke just for her:

The "head" of the household and his wife were experiencing problems assembling their computer system. Finally, they gave in and decided to ring a technician. When he answered, the technician gave them instructions in unintelligible computer jargo.

Frustrated, the husband said: "Look just talk to me like I'm a four-year-old."

"OK," said the technician, "Can you put your mommy on the line?"

Six more lessons to go. . .

2009-12-16T04:38:00.000-08:00

I took a little break from writing yesterday so I could attend the Lodge's Christmas party--and gosh, am I ever glad I went. It is soooo nice to be relieved of Lodge duties for an evening. I had a great chat with my buddy Claire Chandler and her hubby Russ, John Etherington and I shared a few Christmas jokes. And, wait for it, Darby Costello and I swapped Mercury stories. Sometimes, you just got to relax with friends. It bolsters the creative process, right?

Anyway, I had to look through some old photos and I found this one of me and Richard Tarnas:

I though Richard was great--and I was especially pleased that he remembered me at UAC a few years later.

Here's a very speical Saturn conjunct Neptune with a trine to Uranus conjunct Mercury joke for teachers who get annoyed when their pupils ask: "Can't we have a fun lesson, Miss?"

A teacher was frustrated when a pupil feel asleep and started snoring as the class read "The Canterbury Tales." The teacher spun the book across the class and bounced it off the pupil's skull. Startled, the pupil asks: "What was that?"

The teacher answered: "That, was a flying Chaucer."

And no, you can't have a fun lesson!

Solstice Greetings a little bit early

2009-12-15T01:16:00.000-08:00

Things have been busy over these past few weeks, not helped by the crazy transits in my chart. In a few months I will have Uranus transiting my Saturn in the 10th (Saturn also being the handle of my bucket shaped chart and at the same time Transit Saturn will be exactly opposite to transit Uranus AND my progressed Moon will also move into Aries!). So I wonder who's going to be changing jobs soon?

I never thought I'd say it but I'm pretty fed up with teaching and I'm thinking of leaving to do other more satisfying things like writing a novel. So I've been doing just that, writing a novel which I'm really enjoying and find very satisfying. And guess who got landed for cover AGAIN today??

In other news, the Astrology Quarterly has been done and will be distributed later this week. One of the featured articles is from John Frawly who did the Carter Memorial lecture. I dug up an old photo of John and I taken at Oxford FAS Summer School:

Why couldn't I find this when I needed it? Anyway, there we are looking relatively sober.

And now for the joke! I'll call this a Saturn in the 9th house jokes and it's dedicated to pissed off teachers everywhere:

Shortly after prayers in public schools were banned, a new teacher was interviewed for her first teaching post. After the interview and after an explanation of the duties that would be expected, the prospective employee said:

"Let me see if I got this right. You want me to go in the classroom and inspire the pupils to love every second of their learning and I'm supposed to encourage them to appreciate their ethnicity, modify disruptive behaviour, observe them signs of abuse and even censor their T shirt messages and dress sense. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases and check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, good sportsmanship, and fair play and how and when to vote, how to balance a chequebook and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice and maintain a safe work environment, recognise signs of anti social behaviour, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for their elders, and future employers and I'm to commincate reguarly with parents by letter, telephone, newsletters and report card even though some are more anti social than their offspring and have threatened to "sort me out" even though I have given on honest appraisal of their child's progress based on the data I have painstakingly collected. And I'm to do all of this with a board pen, a computer that takes ages to log on, a few books, a BIG smile and a salary that qualifies my family for food stamps. You want me to do all of this but you expect me not to pray?"

Feelin' Mighty Fine

2009-11-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

I have a lot going on at work but I love it!

I'm also lovin' it that my girl, Susan Boyle, is doing so well!! Go Susan!

To celebrate Susan's success, here's a little Retrograde Mercury square Saturn joke! (And thanks to my little sister Rachel for sending it!)

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks: "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph!, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!"

Name that butt, part 2

2009-11-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

Oh god, my whole year group is having Uranus transiting their natal Saturns!

In celebration, here's a little Uranus transiting natal Saturn joke!

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around the table for reading group. After the story she gave the children a work sheet to complete. She heard one of the little girls say "Shit!" under her breath.

"We don't say that word in school," scolded the teacher.

The little girl looked up to her teacher with big, wide eyes. "Not even when it's all fucked up?"

Now where's she been?

2009-11-13T06:20:00.000-08:00

Since I last wrote, I've moved house THREE TIMES, been through a mini (snort!) ofsted inspection at my school, unpacked several hundred boxes, organised my new library by the Dewey decimal system (OK, this is slightly exaggereated) and played "last post" on my trumpet (a significant achievement). So I've been a little busy! But now my school is once again letting me blog from the school's computer (shhhhhhh), hopefully I can make up for my silence.

Another signifiant achievement is that I managed to chair the AGM for the Astrological Lodge of London in a record 26 minutes! Oh and I was re-elcted to the council. So I am a lot more chuffed these days than I was a few weeks ago.

So anyway, I had planned for a few more festivities from the AA Conference, including the wonderful game of "Name that Butt" (which Prudence Jones did not think was even a little bit funny but Caroline Gillet and I spent about half an hour tee-heeing over). But it seems I lost my chance. Or did I? Alright, alright, I can tell when readers want to play.

Here's the first butt: Name that butt!

And now for the joke! I'm going to say it is Mercury retrograde conjunct Moon in Taurus:

A man walks into the doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a banana in his right ear and carrot in his left.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor says: "You're just not eating properly!"

Yes, it really DID happen. . .

2009-09-29T11:40:00.001-07:00

As John J Dunbar (of Dances With Wolves fame) once said: "The strangeness of this life cannot be measured." And so was my thought when not only did Gloria Gaynor begin pouring from the speakers but people actually jumped up and started dancing to it! No names will be mentioned but here's the proof. . .I cannot convey how surreal this was but anyway. . .maybe it was something in the sirloin we had for dinner.

OK, OK, I hear you say: "But Alex, I don't recognise anyone!"

And to that I might say: "How about this!"

Well, maybe Nick was celebrating after winning the monkey competition--but he was definitely dancing to "I Will Survive!"

In honour of Nick, who has proven--to me anyway--that he 1) has a sense of humour and 2) is definitely a good sport, here's a very special Saturn, Jupiter and Neptune triple conjunction in the 5th house just for him (and everyone else to laugh at!)!

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets the rabbi who is supposed to perform the ceremony. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize its tradition for men to dance with men and women to dance with women. But, wed like your permission to dance together."

The rabbi answers, "No way! "Men and women always dance seperately!"

The man then asks, "So after the ceremony you mean I can't even dance with my own wife?"

The rabbi replies, "Its forbidden!"

The man asks, "Can we finally have sex?"

The rabbi replies, "Of course! Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have many children!"

"What about different positions?" asked the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi, "Its a mitzvah!" "

Well then, how about a woman on top?" the man asks.

Rabbi replies, "Its mitzvah!"

"How about Doggy Style?"

"Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, fluffy handcuffs, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno film?"

"Its all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Well, why not?" asks the man.

Rabbi answers, "Could lead to dancing!"

AA Conference, part 2

2009-09-26T04:51:00.000-07:00

The AA conferene is also a great chance to catch up with old friends--and yes, we do miss our friends who for whatever reason couldn't make it. Here's me and my Irish friend Frances Clynes at the Sophia Centre reunion , er, piss up:

In honour of Frances, a PhD student whom I love dearly, here is a very special Saturn in the 9th house joke just for her:

One day, Bernard Eccles, Deborah Houlding and Nick Campion went out for a walk. They were old buddies from the Sophia Centre and they were together for a reunion.
For no apparent reason, they went into this zoo and passed a monkey. Being in the same business and from the same college, there was a little bit of a peer competition going on between them - they couldn't resist testing themselves against each other.
Bernard said to the others: "Why don't we prove who is the best among ourselves?"
“Why not?” said Deb and Nick.
Bernard said: "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, employs the best astrological techniques.”
By mutual agreement, Bernard took the first turn by saying: "I'm an unashamed sun sign astrologer so I will say my sun is in the sixth house today--ruling small animals--and I think I can make the monkey laugh by telling jokes based on the position of the sun." So Bernard told his joke. The monkey stayed still, looking somehwat bemused at the trio.
Then it was Deb's turn. She consulted the ephemeris and constructed a chart of the moment. She judged that Mercury was in it's detriment and therefore the monkey would not get verbal jokes. So she tried to make funny gestures... No good, the monkey stayed put...
Now, came Nick. He whispered something into the monkey's ear and it burst out laughing at him.
Bernard and Deb were astonished. How did this jumped-up academic manage to beat them? No way were they going to accept defeat so easily!
So Deb said: "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry!!"
So there they went again, applying the same methods as before.
Bernard narrated sad stories based on star signs and Deb (after constructing another chart and making another judgment) mimed sad gestures. They failed again...
Then Nick whispered something into the monkey's ear and lo and behold, it started crying and patting the academic lecturer’s shoulder!
Bernard and Deb just could not believe their eyes!
So Bernard said: "OK, you've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's make this monkey run."
So Bernard barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it stayed where it was. Deb, true to her type, constructed another chart and made a judgment. She pushed and prodded the monkey-- still no go.
So... here comes Nick again and whispers into the monkey's ear. The monkey just takes off! It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death!
Bernard and Deb surrendered, saying: "OK, we give up. You're the best among us, and your techniques are the best of the three. But please, please tell us your secret."
"Well", said Nick. "The first time I made it laugh, I said I was an academic astrologer. The next time, to make it cry, I told the monkey how little I get paid despite working so hard...so it started crying. And then, to make it run, I told it that I was here to find more PhD students!!!”

AA Conference part 2

2009-09-26T04:30:00.000-07:00

Well, now that my FAS papers have been posted, I have no idea what to do with myself which probably means I can do productive things like keep my blog up to date!

The AA conference is one of the social highlights of my year--I can hang out with friends, attend a lecture if I fancy it and er, drink loads of lager. Here's a picture of me and the very dapper Simon Posner at the Saturday night "gala" dinner (yes, I really did have to steady his head to get a decent shot!):

One of the great things about the dinner is that you can hear all sorts of snippets of conversations. Someone might be talking about their next book or lecture, there's always someone worried about a scary transit and always, always, always, someone who over does the vino and makes a total twat of themselves so the rest of us can feel that--odd long grey pony tail aside--we are a respectable bunch of people. So thank you very much Barry for eliminating any guilt we may have felt!

In honour of Gala dinners and our good sport friend Barry, here's a little Neptune conjunct Jupiter and Chiron in the first (the very triple conjunction in the chart of the start of the AA conference!)--with a quincunx to the ruler of the 6th house, the Moon in the 8th.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle.

The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman tried to put him off, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

2009-09-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a hectic few weeks due to an unexpected house move and another house move on the horizon and school starting up again. And there's the not-so-little matter of me finishing off not one, not two but three FAS exercises (this is my real excuse for not blogging for so long).Oh and another Q is out! here's a pic of me with my "babies":Don't I look just like a proud mother??

Or perhaps that manic grin is a sign that I'm a little stressed these days?? Transit Uranus is on my progressed moon and it's been very hard on this territorial (Moon in Leo) Cancerian! To make things just that little bit extra awful, the tranist is in the 10th house--and I have to teach in 11 different classrooms. I can't decide if my school is flattering me by deciding I'm so flexible that I can handle anything--or if they're trying to get rid of me! I've been feeling like a refugee and my temper--normally quite under control--is bubbling under the surface.

Enough of that. Let's talk about something fun!! The annual Astrological Association's Astrology Conference has been going on all weekend and what a blast it's been! Pics to follow over the next couple of days. . .Frank Clifford, be very afraid! Wendy and Deb, haha, you guys are such a blast. I'm expecting traffic to my blog to pick up. . .

I leave you with the Beer Prayer (Jupiter conjunct Neptune)

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is The beer, The bitter and The lager.

Barmen.

Home Again

2009-08-20T05:31:00.001-07:00

After a week at Saugeen, I'm starting to feel human again! Just in time to head back to London. . .
So here I am, back in the Big Smoke, still a little jet-lagged and feeling nauseous from the flight. As I'm not looking forward to getting back the grind, here's a little Neptune in th 6th house joke to sustain me and keep me smiling as the days close in:

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'

Few words required. . .

2009-08-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

No jokes today in honour of great traditions that need few words. The Saugeen Reservation, where my ancestors eventually settled several generations ago, hosted their annual pow wow. These images are copyrighted so please don't copy them without asking for permission first. I've taken a few liberties as it was my extended family who was hosting the pow wow and it was a public event but if you're not a card carrying band member of the reservation, you should ask for permission before taking photographs (let alone posting them on the internet): Chi Megwetch for an unforgettable day!

A few fries with your ketchup?

2009-08-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

So I spent last week in Canada (my excuse for being behind on my blog!), on the reservation beach, with my Ojibwa relatives. No, we didn't spend the morning eating fish but we did spend the morning imitating them. We worked ourselves up into a hunger so we went to Bob's B-B-Q to have what could have been the best breakfast ever. When I looked up from my omelette to see what by brother in law Dave was eating, this is what I saw:

Take a good look at his plate!

In honour of my new-found bro-in-law (who is one hell of a guy!), here's a little ketchup joke just for him. The significator is a challenge but I'm going to call it Venus in the 8th for the times when you have to sweeten up the difficult stuff:

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

The one that got away. . .

2009-08-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

I don't regard fishing as a sport--any more than I would consider it a joy to go out and slaughter any other animal to who can catch the biggest one. Nevertheless, my dad is a fisherman and I'm one hundred precent certain that an awful lot of my Native American ancestors were fisherman. We don't prolong the agony of the fish and we certainly don't catch more than we can eat. We're also careful to use all of the fish, be it as food or as compost for the garden. My grandmother (the Ojibwa one) taught me how to prepare fish for cooking and how to fry them to perfection and I had an uncle whose career was based sole-ly (geddit?) on filleting fish for tourists. What can I say? I watched carefully. So when my dad offered to take my daughter fishing on the shores of the mighty St Clair River, I though it would be a great experience for her to learn where the fishcakes come from.

Anyway, this was the monster they caught (do be prepared to scream!):

And here's a close up:

Needless to say, he was a little small to filet and fry and we watched as he swam away. Little did we know the other dangers of the river. . .

We do hope our little guy--who was snagged by his dorsal fin--safely swam past this impromptu parade of geese!

In honour of the ones that get away. . .here's a little joke pimped up by me, especially for you. It's a Jupiter in the 12th joke, a reminder of our big sky. . .

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they fell sound asleep.
One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo so hair styles will feature the long and bushy look. Horologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo-Sabe, you dumb ass. Someone stole tent."

Oh Lord, won't you buy me. . .

2009-08-03T10:16:00.001-07:00

Whilst poking around the Henry Ford Museum in Detroit, I came across the "Guitar and Cars" exhibition. I had just about recovered from seeing the ZZ Top car used in their videos when I heard the familiar wails of my beloved Janis!! With my heart in my throat, I rounded the corner and nearly fainted when I saw her car! My daughter looked at me and said: "Mum, you're crying!"

I said: "But it's Janis!!" Needless to say I made a bit of a spectacle of myself but I don't care. Someone handed me some tissue and I continued fawning over the very car Janis had driven. here's a better view without me in the way:

And a bit closer to see the detail. . .Remember, this is where the goddess herself used to sit!!

I still can't believe I got to see Janis' car! And the funny thing is that I didn't even know it was there--I just bumped into it.

To celebrate Janis Joplin and her Mercedes Benz, here's a very special Saturn conjunct Uranus in the 2nd house joke:

A highly successful young executive received a promotion and decided to reward himself with a new car. When the dignified, dapper and impeccably groomed businessman arrived at the Mercedes Benz showroom, the salesman looked at his expensive suit and shoes and suggested the Executive Model.

"Yes, I like it," said the executive, after looking it over. "I'll take it today. I have a business conference in another state. I have just been made vice president of finance."

"But sir!" said the salesman. "We can give you so many accessories and extra options! I'm sure it is worth waiting a few days. After all, CARS have personalities! We do our best to match the CAR to the DRIVER, sir! This car has only the basics! I CANNOT sell it to you without the all of the fine..."

"No, no," said the executive quickly. "I like the car as simple as possible. Nothing extra. I insist! ONLY THE BASICS! NOTHING! And PLEASE do not argue with me!"

"Very well, sir," said the salesman, but he shook his head and sighed.

The executive drove out of the showroom and soon he was on the interstate. He was enjoying the luxury of his new car, when, out of nowhere, he heard a voice a mocking voice but he was ALONE in the car!

"Are those Brooks Brothers shoes you're wearing, pal?"

"Who said that?" The executive nearly hit the roof with surprise.

"I asked you a question! I'll bet those shoes cost five hundred dollars, huh? And are those SILK socks? Mighty fancy, mister high and mighty executive! A little TOO fancy for me!"

"They cost seven hundred dollars and yes, they're Brooks Brothers and yes, these socks are silk. What am I DOING?! Am I losing my MIND?!" said the executive.

"Well get rid of 'em - NOW. There no place for shoes and socks like those in HERE! You think you're special, don't you Pinstripes?" said the voice.

"Who ARE you?" said the executive again.

"Mind your business. Get barefoot!" said the voice, growing in strength.

"I will NOT!" snapped the executive angrily. "Leave me alone! I--I AM going insane! I'm arguing with my CAR!"

"Yeah - well, you might you say YOU are MY DRIVER!" snapped the voice. But the voice kept up the harangue for an hour, yelling and mocking so that the executive could hardly think or drive. He found himself in a losing battle...

"I am an executive. I am wearing a business suit! I am on my way to a conference! I HAVE to wear these shoes!" he cried.

But the voice mocked and yelled. "It looks like I'm gonna have to DRAG you off that high horse, Mister SUIT AND TIE! Even if you come off kicking and screaming" said the voice. And he continued with a barrage of insults.

Finally, after an hour, the beaten down, exhausted executive yelled: "I can't stand it anymore! You win! You want me to go barefoot? FINE! Then BARE FEET IT IS! Anything to SHUT YOU UP!" And he untied and pulled off the brand new polished black captoe shoes that he had bought that week and had shined that morning, and then peeled off his silk socks. Without slowing down, he stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and threw them out the window on the highway. "That's $750 that just went out the window! Are you satisfied?!" yelled the executive.

"There!" said the voice. "Now don't you feel better without those stupid shoes on?" said the voice cheerfully.

"No!" said the executive angrily.

As he rested his bare foot on the accelerator, the voice said: "Now let's talk about that necktie... Hermes? Or is it Armani?"

"Oh no!!" whispered the executive. "Not again..."

"Well?" snarled the voice. "No fancy silk neckties in THIS car! And are those cufflinks?! With a monogram! And a Rolex?! And I'll bet you're wearing suspenders under that suit, huh? Well!"

"Yes" said the executive reluctantly. "YES! Why do you CARE?"

"You think you can dress like THAT in this car?! I think NOT! Now get that necktie off. NOW! NOW!" The harangue began again. An hour later, the window opened, and one by one, the desperate and bewildered executive threw out his $150 tie and the matching pocket square, his monogrammed cufflinks, his braces, his Rolex and his tiepin. "And is that a cashmere overcoat in the back seat? With a silk scarf? And what about the briefcase?!"

"No! No!" cried the executive. "Why are you doing this to me?! Let me alone!" But soon, the overcoat and scarf were thrown out on the highway, followed by the $1500 briefcase, which opened, throwing papers everywhere.

For a moment there was silence - then: "Now for that nice, dapper pinstriped BUSINESS SUIT you've got on, Mister Big Shot Corporate High Flyer!" said the voice.

"Oh, no!" gasped the executive. "Not my SUIT! This was made for me in London by Savile Row! It cost $2,500!!"

"Well, and who do you think YOU are?!" said the voice in disgust. "That smart suit has to GO! No suits in this car. Period. Never. And that white shirt. Is it starched. And the underwear . . . designer shorts I'll bet! Everything has to go! Lose those spiffy PINSTRIPES!! NOW, Mister Hotshot!"

The harangue went as the executive begged. Finally, he saw a barefoot derelict along the highway. He pulled over and called out to him: "Will you swap my suit and shirt for your clothes?" Within minutes the shaking and frightened executive was wearing the rags of a bum.

"OK!" said the voice. "Quit that high-paying, high-class job and sell your condo and your stocks...and no arguments!"

"Quit my job!" said the executive. "Please...I just got a promotion."

"And give away all those fancy suits and ties and shoes you have back in your closet. And don't tell me you don't! I KNOW the TYPE! Call a charity NOW! Give them everything! Even the tuxedo and the patent leather pumps you were going to wear to the corporate black-tie dinner!"

"How...how did you know...." gasped the executive. The executive, now a broken man, barely kept his hands on the wheel as the voice yelled and bullied him to come down off his high horse. He called his office and told his stunned boss he was quitting. Then he sold all of his assets and gave the money away. Then he gave away all his clothes.

"Fine!" snapped the voice. "Hey! There's a KMart! Go in and buy a sixpack of white socks and three pairs of overalls. Get movin'!"

The stunned executive followed those instructions.

"There's a help wanted sign! Get yourself a job as a garbageman, and make it snappy!" said the voice sharply.

"A garbageman! Me...." Exhausted, disoriented and stunned, the executive took a job as a garbageman. Two months later, the former exec arrived at the Mercedes showroom to return the car because he could not afford the payments. The salesman did not look surprised when he saw the formerly dignified, confident and impeccably groomed executive reduced to collecting trash and dressed in overalls, and he showed no surprise when he heard the strange story.

"What did you expect? I TRIED to warn you! Look at the name of the MODEL you bought!"

And the garbageman looked at the bill of sale: "Mercedes Benz - STRIPPED-DOWN EXECUTIVE MODEL"

Rodeo!

2009-07-31T10:51:00.000-07:00

After an exhausting year both professionally and personally, I'm starting to unlax and rewind. All I can say is thanks, I needed this! I'm spending time with my family and friends in the USA (where I was born) and I'm enjoying just being still. As I said, I really needed this as I know come September, we'll be off the starting blocks once again and we'll have to hang on tight until the end of July. . .again! As John Fogerty once said: "Sometimes I think life is just a rodeo. The trick is to ride and make it to the bell. . ."

Despite being American born, I have never been to a rodeo. So my friend Chris took me to a 4H fair to the annual festivities. As horses can't talk, I'm not sure how they feel about rodeos but judging by their reaction to their riders, I think the pretty safe assumption is that they enjoy having a good kick and throwing cowboys on their asses. This got me thinking about all manner of metaphysical philosophies like wondering if the gods enjoy watching we humans taking a beating. I began wondering if they place bets on who's going to bite the dust the hardest and stay down and who's going to get up, brush themselves down and get back on the horse that threw them. I guess we'll never know if they really do take bets but I think it's a safe assumption that an audience really does favour the guy that takes a bad fall, limps out of the corral and then shows up a few minutes later for round 2 (or 3 or 4). As I say, I have a bit more time to philosophise these days. I'm going to look at biting the dust in a whole new light from now on.

In honour of holding on, here's a Saturn in 8th house joke to mark the special occasion:

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it? Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters". Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

Re-united

2009-07-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again, back in the good old US of A!!

It's been quite a week: I finished school, got the Astrology Quarterly out, got into--and out of airplane--had a family reunion and my 25 year high school reunion! How did I get so old??? Above is me at my, er, best. What can I say?? It's as good as it gets!!

I do have Transit Uranus conjunct my natal Chiron and to be honest, I was a little worried about this one. I mean, I've had enough unexpected pain in my life, right? Right? But this transit reminds me that past wounds do heal. On my reunion night, I met the young man who made sure I understood exactly where I stood in society all those years ago: he made sure I didn't forget I was a half breed, dirty Indian in shoes that weren't Nike or Reebok, that I didn't play tennis nor was I pretty (or thin enough) to be a cheerleader or clever enough to get to the Ivy Leagues where everyone knew he would end up. Nope, I was destined to be no one of particular interest. Twenty-five years after he made this so abundantly clear, I bumped into this boy at our class re-union. He was fat, not so attractive, had a big old pot belly and was still just as obnoxious and unpleasant as he been all those years ago. In other words, it seemed the lessons the rest of us had learned about being nice, playing fair and learning to live within limitations had completely washed over him. "Oh, I lay floors for a living," he boasted to me, "I have a company worth several hundred thousand dollars." He didn't show enough interest in me to ask what I did for a living but I told him anyway:

"I live in London England," I started.

"Oh my God!" he interjected. "I'm a major fan of Paul Weller! Do you know Camden Town?"

"Know it?" I said, "I live there."

"Do you think I might be able to come over for a visit? I need an address. It's always been my dream to meet Paul Weller!"

At that moment, it would have been really tempting to stick the boot in, to laugh in his face and tell him how glad I was that he never lived his dream. But I didn't. Instead I told him about how I got to London, how easy it was and how glad I was that I did it. Yeah, he's an asshole but there's no reason for me to stoop to the same level.

In honour of learning from the past, here's a little Saturn opposite Neptune joke. . .just to keep reality in check!

A man took his wife to his high school reunion. He thinks to himself that although she isn't the best looking woman in the room, they've at least had a fairly successful marriage. Then he reminds himself that he had a very successful career, they had four fairly bright children and though neither career nor children are anything to boast about, at least the mortgage is nearly paid off. He then remembers his house: well, it's okay as far as houses are concerned--at least they had never been without a roof over their heads. As he looks around, he suddenly realises the other men in their far more expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that he weighs just five pounds more than he did than when he was in high school, he says to his wife, "Hey! I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glances at the well-dressed crowd, then back at him, and says, "You're the only one who has to."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .

2009-07-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

It's so good to be home!

I'm just about hanging in there. It's that time of year again--when I start falling asleep at the dinner table (you know I'm tired when that happens!) and feeling too tired to blog.

OK, if you've been following and checking in, then you must be dying for a joke. Here's a special Jupiter conjunct Neptune in the 9th joke for all frequent fliers everywhere. . .

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Go Susan!

2009-05-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

I don't watch a lot of TV but I do plan on watching Britain's Got Talent. It seems that this has been a particularly interesting season, thanks to our Susan. I'm a little bummed that Gregg didn't get through last night but I'm pleased as anything that 2 Grand are through to the finals. I don't think they'll win but they'll certainly give us something to feel good about.

I don't want to say anything bad about any of the contestants. Except I hatesaxophones. Being a trumpet player has made me permanently repulsed by woodwinds who use spit-sodden reeds to play their instruments! And I especially don't think saxes are musical instruments--they're toys! You just blow through one end and wiggle your fingers. No skill involved!

Anyway, enough of that!

GO SUSAN BOYLE!!

Oh and here's a little sax joke.  Let's call it Neptune conjunct Saturn:

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President Had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: "I found
out who pissed in your saxophone."

I is a publishing phenomenon!

2009-05-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

OK, my parents always told me it was wrong to boast but I'm going to do it anyway!

After the most hair-raising few months ever, I finally got the Astrology Quarterly out! Here's some photographic evidence that yes, I am the editor:
And, buried in this very issue is also my own article, complete with an editorial mistake that I did on purpose just to get a bit more attention (OK, that last bit is a lie).

Also, I am now an international writer because I appeared in ISAR's latest edition! Ya want proof of that too, I can feel it:Wow, if only I got paid to do this!

OK a few Jupiter jokes with maybe a Saturn connection or two. . .

Q. How many editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.

Q. How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q. How many art directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Does it HAVE to be a lightbulb?

Q. How many copyeditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. The last time this question was asked, it involved art

directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

Q. How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Proofreaders aren’t supposed to change lightbulbs.
They should just query them.

Q. How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. But why do we have to CHANGE it?

Q. How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to screw it in, two to hold down the editor.

Still lovin' Susan!

2009-05-13T04:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't gone off the Boyle but another Britain's Got Talent act has caught my eye: Gregg Pritchard. Just as I was wondering if Gregg really was a Castrato, I realised he reminded me a bit of my favourite fallen idol Boy George who was released from prison this week. Thank you HM! I still hope I get to meet Boy George in real life--he was the reason I moved to London after all. Not really. OK, it's true. Viva l'amour.

Which kind of brings me to my joke. You know how French nouns can be masculine or feminine? Well, I was thinking English should do the same! What fun! Let the gender identification for English nouns start right here!

In honour of getting confused about whether or not an item is a boy or a girl, a few helpful Venus conjunct Mars jokes to help:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Susan Boyle: Saviour of the Modern World!

2009-04-22T03:44:00.000-07:00

Like the rest of the world, I’ve been fascinated by the hype surrounding Susan Boyle, the 47 year old sensational singing spinster/AKA the “hairy angel”. An antithesis of the music industry has taken the world by storm and helped us to realise how sick we are of everyone looking so goddamned perfect. Susan stood in sharp contrast to Amanda Holden who couldn't even raise her botoxed eyebrows in surprise. Instead, Amanda showed us her pretty armpits. I wonder if this is a side-effect of botox??As I rarely watch TV, I missed the original broadcast on Britain’s Got Talent but saw it on youtube. I can’t remember how the story caught my attention or why I felt I needed to see it for myself (as I rarely take interest in these talent shows) but I’ve been hooked on seeing Susan’s performance and willingly take responsibility for at least a couple hundred (out of the 100 million) youtube hits. I’m addicted. I have to admit, my heart plummeted when I heard Susan say she was going to sing “I Dreamed a Dream”. The way it was all set up I think one can be forgiven for expecting some sort of joke interpretation. And IMHO, it’s too beautiful a song for that. It’s a song of pain and regret sung as a solo by Fantine in Les Miserables. She’s an abandoned single mother who has been forced to turn to prostitution and sell her child into slavery. I couldn’t bear to see this song turned into a comedy.

Well, I shouldn’t have been worried.

From the moment she opened her mouth, Susan Boyle was a revelation and, as they say, the rest is history. She has the je ne sais quoi lacking in so many of today’s musical performances. Just what might my thoughts be on this je ne sais quoi? Why I’m glad you asked because I’ve been doing some thinking (uh-oh) about Susan’s success. . .

First of all--and don’t hate me for saying it—it was not a perfect performance. The line “when the tigers come at night” was too low for Susan’s vocal range. In fact, I think her vocal range is quite limited. She also didn’t quite have enough breath to sustain “So different now from what it seemed” so she is going to have to work on the breathing.

I don’t think her performance was amazing because it came from an unexpected source either. All this “we were expecting hamburger but got steak so we’re happier than what we expected” business is nonsense. I wouldn’t watch it again and again to relive the “surprise” if that were the case. No, I watch it again and again because I’m handed a pretty damn perfect interpretation of how Fantine really felt: I really felt her pain and anguish. As much as I admire Ruthie Henshall’s voice--or any of the other "divas" who have sung the part I don’t think Fantine would deliver such a perfect, pretty performance at the end of her life. When Susan belted out “So different from this hell I’m living,” I just lost it. Just what kind of hell can Ruthie relate to or make us believe she had been through? I really believed Susan had connected the audience to the composer’s intention far closer than anyone else ever had. Divination at its finest. It's the feeling she puts into the performance--and that can't be taught, coached or paid for. Susan Boyle has proven to our disbelieving eyes that quality doesn't depend on the packaging. For this reason, Susan Boyle just may be the saviour of the modern world.

Do I think Susan can be a Broadway star? To be honest, I’d hate to see her wasted that way. I think if she’s trained like a monkey, she’ll deliver performances exactly like all the other singing monkeys on Broadway. She’ll lose the edge she has and she will never equal what she did the other week. I hope she does do a record before she starts up with the “professional” singing lessons.

Do I think she’ll win Britain’s Got Talent? Well, there is a chance the Susan Boyle hype will continue but it’s going to be quite a lot to sustain in order to win what amounts to a popularity contest. I couldn’t care less if she won a stupid contest—I just want her to keep on singing. And don’t go changing. . .

BTW, wikipedia was giving Susan a birthdate of 1 April 1961 at 9:50 am, Blackburn West Lothian Scotland. This gives her a Gemini ascendant--very apt for someone who claimed we were only seeing one side of her! This data shows transit Pluto opposing her Venus in recent years. We haven't seen the last of Susan Boyle!

In honour of Susan's long hidden but permanent fame, here's a little Venus in the sixth opposing Pluto joke:

One day a man was driving along when all of a sudden 'thud' 'splat' he hit a rabbit who had hopped out in front of him. He stopped the car to see if it was still alive but it was just a limp, lifeless creature in his hands. A blonde woman saw what happened as she was driving by and pulled over to see if she could help. The man explained what happened and she said, "Don't worry I know just what to do". She runs back to her car and comes back with a spray can and proceeds to spritz the entire contents onto the rabbitt. Suddenly the creature springs to it's feet and starts hopping down the road again. It goes about 50 feet turns and then waves it's paw at the two humans.....hops off again, goes 50 feet and waves......hops off, goes 50 feet and waves. The bewildered man asks the blond what it was she sprayed onto the rabbit? She hands him the can which reads, "Restores life to limp, lifeless hair. Adds permanent wave."

Singing for their suppers

2009-03-29T05:51:00.000-07:00

Whilst out and about in Surrey, we met an intrepid trio of singers known as Ed, Will and Ginger who were walking their way around Britain. They literally sang for the suppers (and other meals). We were treated to a round of traditional English song when they happened to visit the very same pub where we had treked with the llamas. I found their story incredibly moving. They forage for food and make temorary lean-tos as they visit villages. Their website can be found here.

In honour of Great British tradition, I offer a Mars conjunct Mercury joke:

There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life. Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper. She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day. In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage. She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks, "Do you like it? Do you like it?"

The parrot says, "nice f...n’ cage".

Well!!! The little old lady's hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.

"There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!" Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door. A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible. After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot. To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present. There she found a beautiful perch - top of the line - the very best perch that money could buy. She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage - looking expectantly at the parrot; "Do you like it? Do you like it?"

The parrot looks the perch over and says (dripping with sarcasm) "nice f...n’ perch".

WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen. "I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences". She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him. An hour or so goes by and she thinks he's probably learned his lesson. Opening the freezer door, the parrot cames toddling out, clearly traumatised by the punishment and says, "One question; what the f..k did the chicken do?"

Faculty Day 2009

2009-03-29T03:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally got my certificate from the Faculty of Astrological Studies. This was about 10 years worth of work, a few decades of life lost due to the stress and many thousands of pounds. . .So enjoy the photo of me and Claire Chandler, left. If anyone wants to say that these astrological classes are for rich old women with nothing better to spend their time and money on, they can kiss my, er, certificate. Claire recieved both her certificate and her diploma on the same day--a feat I once aspired to--so you can just imagine all the time, effort and money she invested in it.

My (very handsome) buddy, Bernard Eccles, gave the lecture on the day and, as always, he was thought provoking. He reminded us that now that we have the nuts and bolts of astrological knowledge, it was now time for the real astrological education to begin. And you see, that really is the beauty of astrology: you will never be able to say you know everything about astrology. Should you meet someone who says it all, I suggest you make your excuses and get the hell away.

Above is me finally collecting my certificate. . .I make the time about 3:16pm, 28 March 2009. Pardon the blur. . .Nick took the photo. Who would have thought Bernard is so much taller than me??

In honour of astrology students everywhere. . .a few non astrological studies jokes. Let's call these Mars conjunct Uranus in the 9th. . .

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

And one with Mars in the 9th square the sun:

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Congratulations to all FAS graduates 2009 (yes that's me outside the pub called Perseverance!)!

Llama Mama

2009-03-29T03:08:00.000-07:00

So. . . a few Venus in conjunct Jupiter in the twelth house jokes. . .

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
llamanated

What do you call a very fast llama?
a llamagini

What's a llama's favourarite film?

Llamadeus

What's the difference between a plush toy llama and a spiritual leader?

One's the Dalai Lama, and the other is a llama dolly.

A polka-dotted llama walked into a bar. After serving her, the bartender remarked, "You know, we don't get many polka-dotted llamas in here."

The llama rolled her eyes in disgust. "If you had any idea how many times I've heard that today . . . . "

Now you may well ask: what's with the llamas??

Me!! On Mother's Day, I was treated to a llama trek. It was, bar none, one of the most surreal things I've ever done in my life! Walking a llama was a bit like walking a big dog. They were happy walking next to you and every now and then, blew into your ear (these llamas don't spit!).

Here's some odd llama facts you might not know: Llamas have weird feet--they're not hooved but have two big toes. Llamas don't like to get their feet wet--they'll push you into the puddles to they can keep dry. Llamas don't like their backs touched--they like you to stroke the front of their necks.Seriously, I think I found my life's calling. Yes, I want to be a llama mama!!

If you'd like to go llama treking, have a visit to the Surrey Hills Llamas!

PS: My llama was named "Omar," Jess' was "Louie" and Nick's was "Pandu"

International Astrology Day

2009-03-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

On the 21 March, the world celebrated International Astrology Day. We of the Lodge decided to do something completely different and so headed to our local pub. Which was closed! So we headed to our stand-by pub which was open and serving delicious food and drink for hungry and thirsty astrologers. Of course, it is knowledge we hunger and thirst for. Of course!

So above left to right are Simon Posner, Pete Watson, Sonal (sorry can't spell the last name!), Adam Smith, Jessica Adams and Kim Farnell toasting another new start of the astrological year. Yours truly was taking the photo. . .and yes I do wish you a very happy equinox!

To honour getting together, here's a little Mercury in the 8th house joke for all you astrologers, er, getting together. . .

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

Eastern Orthodox pow wow

2009-03-01T03:42:00.000-08:00

On 16 February, we headed to our friend Jadranka's (she serves on the Lodge's committee too) to celebrate the life of Simeon, the saint best known for his ability to abstain from both food and drink for inhumanly long periods of time. Interestingly, the day was celebrated on the 3 February but because of the calendar change, it is celebrated on our Gregorian calendar day of 15th Feb. I'll have to ask Jadranka why we were celebrating on the 16th rather than on the 15th. . .

Anyway, it struck me about half way through the festivities that this was very much like the Indian pow wows I'm used to: there's lots of food, dancing--and someone always opens the fridge, sees all the beer and shouts: "Heaven!".

In honour of tradition, abstinance and Kronenbourg. . .here's a little Saturn in the 5th joke to sustain us during this holy time of Lent!

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day, he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

I deserve a good spanking!

2009-03-01T01:46:00.000-08:00

Arrrggg. . .where does the time go? My bad. I've been neglecting my blog to do the synastry exam for the FAS (I'm getting there). In my own defense, my last blog was a difficult one to beat! Who just might be able to outdo William Lilly?

Step forward please, Mike Edwards.

At half term, me and my better half sauntered (snort! you should have seen all the engineering works on the tubes!) our way to Mike's house in S. England. We were warmly welcomed by him and his lovely wife, Marie Angelo and we spent a perfect Valentine's day sharing wine and food and conversation. On Sunday morning, I looked outside the window and saw this (photo to the left)! Talking about walking the talk! In case you don't know, this is a square astrology chart favoured by our predecessors. I'm not sure why or when we started using circle-shaped charts but I was inspired to find out when I saw this! Mike and Marie also have a beautiful stained glass front window which I won't share here because I can't possibly convey the sense of awe it brought to me.

This was also a celebration of my appointment to a permanent middle leadership post at my school! I had been a little nervous about applying for this post as I had been in the acting role for nearly a year and I have Transit Uranus quickly approaching my Natal Saturn in the 10th (BTW my Saturn is the handle of a bucket-shaped chart)--the very last thing I expected was anything involving "permanent"! As they say with Uranus transits: "don't get too comfy." So although I should be feeling very pleased, I still feel quite edgy. But hey, who ever said we could predict the future???

In honour of all things unpredicatable, here's a little Uranus in the fourth house joke for all you happy families everywhere:

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Alex Trenoweth Meets William Lilly

2009-02-01T10:55:00.000-08:00

Oh my God!!

I thought it was great to meet Rob Hand, I though it was great to meet Desmond Tutu. But they were left in the shade when William Lilly came to the Lodge to see what we were up to! He was much shorter than I thought he would be. . .

All right, I'll admit it, it's just me being clever (pffft) with photoshop now that I'm the new acting editor for the Astrology Quarterly.

We were treated to a lovely evening with Deb Houlding who not only looks better than William, she undoubtedly smelled better than William would have. I even suspect she's smarter than William but perhaps that's a sacrilege. Deb is the webmaster of Skyscript and if you haven't been for a visit, I suggest you make it your mission sooner rather than later because no astrological education is complete without it. Deb took us through the finer points of "Christian Astrology" and the intricacies are both numerous and amazing. (And left is a photo of me and the lovely Deb.)

Here are a couple of William Lilly quotes:

"After my mistress was dead, I lived most comfortably, my master having a great affection for me. "

"I believe God rules all by his divine providence and that the stars by his permission are instruments."

In honour of resurrection, here are a few eighth house/William Lilly jokes. OK, they're more like 8th house jokes:

When Mozart was exhumed, he was found frantically rubbing out his music. Startled, the observers asked: "

Herr Mozart,what are you doing?"

He answered, "Why, I'm decomposing!"

_____________

First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

____________

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

(left is William's (get used to it--we're on a first name basis) monument at Waltham-on-Thames Church. The Lodge visits every summer at the end of July)

The Alchemical Journey

2009-02-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

On Monday the 19th of January, we at the Lodge took an alchemical journey with John Wadsworth. Personally, I had only seen John as the great scholar (we did the MA in Cultural Astronomy and Astrology together), never as John the amazing actor. So I was as surprised as anyone to see John leaping about from star sign to star sign, revealing aspects in each that I had never noticed before. He even made me jump out of my skin when he burst out as Aries. Although many of us in the audience were aching to join him, we are very much an organisation that likes to keep the collective bottoms on the seats. We seem to like the speaker at the front of the room, behind the podium and referring to the screen. How wonderful it was to have a break from that.

Oh and John Wadsworth has holes in his socks. I didn't quite get the photographic evidence but take it from me: John's socks are well and truly ecclesiastic and sanctified (they're HOLY,geddit?) but at least he had the guts to take his shoes off in the first place. Don't worry, we're learning to embrace barefoot astrology.

In honour of John's religious socks, I have a very special Saturn in 12th house joke just for him:

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this: in the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

Happy Perihelion (a bit late!)

2009-01-18T05:44:00.000-08:00

Pardon the delay in blogging-my school had a few "vistors" and this effectively put my entire life on hold. When I returned to what some people may consider a normal life, the batteries of my mobile, digital camera, i-paq and i-pod were completely flat. So that's how busy I was!

I intend to make up to all (a-hem) my faithful readers and other kind people who I'm slowly discovering have been linking to this blog (leave some messages, eh?) by including in this blog a poem, a few meaningless facts and, as ever, a gut bustingly funny astro joke.

We did hold our annual Perihelion Party on 4 January. We are fortunate to have such wonderful guests who truly get into the spirit of the eating, drinking and merriment (a few years ago, we did have a horrible guest who was allegedly throwing black magic around when she didn't get all the attention she thought she deserved. It was rather exciting in a demented kind of way.). There was copious food and drink and yes, I did have to get up for work the next day! Left is one of our participants in the festivities, Jeremy Thomas Morgan who read from his "A Clutch of Poems and Songs for a Night of Gallavanting with Gidwen" book. We ate veggie curry and rice and celebrated being on the wrong side of the tilt of the earth (hence the reason we were freezing our asses off when we're supposed closest to the sun).

Jeremy publishes his work written in his own fair hand. He has the most elegantly beautiful handwriting I've ever seen. Having been spoiled by a keyboard ever since I realised that I was giving my teachers headaches, my own handwriting is pretty bad so I'm not only envious of Jeremy's poetical talent, I'm rather jealous of his calligraphy skills too. To top it all off, he has a beautiful speaking voice! The other photo is of John Etherington of Midheaven books. I love the way he is listening so intently!

At the risk of spoiling the aesthetics of Jeremy's poems by typing them (actually, this poem he did type) I duplicate them for others to enjoy in cyberspace below:

"The last Elf's song at the end of time"

In vain I seek the Way that's gone--

a road towards the Sea

past ruin'd tow'rs that stand alone--which only I can see.

And whither have my kindred fled

who left so long ago--

(for surely, they cannot be dead

who lingered her so slow)?

I see their traces in the land;

I hear their stones' soft song;

I feel their waves upon the strand

of which I dreamed so long!

Now everywhere I send my though

but echo is returned;

Of all the answers I have sought

this one alone is spurned.

No muffled silence calls to me--

no Kindred Song is heard--

as far away the lapping Sea

now lisps its final word.

Yet here in lonely silence, I

shall dream the Final Song

and hope before the Stars all die

that I shall last as long.

Jeremy Morgan (10/10/84)

In other news, I finally finished my certificate for the Faculty of Astrological Studies. I was trying to gain some sort of recognition for the person who employs their retrograde Mercury in the most pointless and stupid manner in the history of astrology (and that's a long history my friend). So I gave up and smartened up. . .and I finally got the certificate.

Here's a few pointless facts to celebrate having Uranus in Pisces:

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"
3. Almonds are members of the peach family.
4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.
12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.
13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,L.A.
14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
20. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
21. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
22. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
23. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
24. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
25. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
26. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti
27. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.
28. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
29. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
30. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
31. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.
32. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
33. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
34. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

And of course, as promised, a very special Mars in the ninth joke:

A man suffering from premature ejaculation went to get some advice from his doctor. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. He couldn't do it home because he didn't want his wife to know. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to do the business. He closed his eyes and thought of his wife. Just as he was getting into it, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his trousers. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The policeman then replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

And the panto continues. . .

2009-01-01T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well, first of all, let me say "Happy New Year!" and wish you the very best in making this year the best year ever!

As for me, I'm still playing at Panto or at least it looks like it with my last day of 2008 let's-try-something-a-little-different look!

In honour of taking a risk and trying to look a little different, here's a very special Venus conjunct Uranus in the first trine Jupiter in the 5th!

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde (obviously, with Uranus involved, it can only be a bottle job) lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers shrugged and one of them slowly counted out the cash of what would be her win if her impossible numbers were to come up. Soon, there's a huge stack of money in front of them.

She looked at the stack of money--nearly two million dollars--and said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

If I were a boy. . .

2008-12-24T03:36:00.001-08:00

If I were a boy, no one would go out with me!! How do I know? Because for this year's pantomime, I did the gender bending thing:Yeah, I was one of the several dwarves. As an aside, doesn't Wynton (my trumpet--which I played as part of the script) look magnificent??

For last year's panto, I played this OTT Queen of something or other:

Haha--I just wanted to see what I looked like as a blonde. To be honest, I found it very therapeutic to play such opposing characters (and even better, no one recognised me). I was thinking, wouldn't it be kinda funny if these two characters--both different sides of me--could have a conversation?? Oh oh, here comes a Venus opposite Mars joke. . .with a little Saturn/Neptune transit:

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Peter. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Peter, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Peter, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Thanksgiving misgivings

2008-12-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

As an North American, I've always thought it was my duty to put Thanksgiving on the calendar. And I've had some wicked Thanksgiving dinners around mine. Growing up, Thanksgiving was the one holiday that the whole family could enjoy without getting too stressed--and with a Canandian mother and an American father, we always celebrated the Canadian and the American Thanksigiving (woohoo--two dinners!). For the Canadian Thanksgiving, I was always travelling because I was in some parade somewhere so dinner would be at someone else's table. For the American Thanksgiving though, we'd eat, then watch some football, then eat some more, then everyone goes to bed and wakes up Friday morning and eats turkey again (Thanksgiving is always the fourth Thursday of November for Americans). With Thanksgiving out of the way, it always meant that Christmas could be prepared for in earnest--at least that's the way it used to be in the good old US of A!. As I grew older though and became a Red Power Indian, I became a bit reluctant to celebrate Thanksgiving. To many Native Americans (bear in mind I'm a half breed) Thanksgiving is a terrible reminder of the past. It was the start of the long lasting genocide of our people. However these days I prefer to look at it more like this:

Anyhooo. . . I did have a wonderful Thanksgiving and it's all about being with frieds and being grateful for all you have. And I have soooo much to be gratfeul for! Here'a few of my wonderful friends:

Mr Mike Day, psychic phenomenon (above).

Me and Gill Dorren. . .and to think I was worried the photos might give a hint as to how much alcohol was consumed on the night!

See my shirt? It says:
LOL

OK, I let you off the joke last week (in honour of Desmond Tutu!). Today I'm having a pop at vegetarians with a Venus cj Jupiter in the 12th joke:

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?""Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Desmond Tutu!

2008-11-26T11:58:00.000-08:00

First, I think I had better say that Bernard Eccles was fabulous at the Lodge on Monday Night. He demonstrated how midpoints are often activated in charts when major events take place. Transits and progressions alone are often not specific enough to explain what is going on. As an example, Bernard used Edward VIII and George IV's chart on the evening of the abdication to explain the power of the outer planet midpoints. Ebertin's COSI can then be used to delineate their meaning.

In other news, I got to meet Desmond Tutu at Canterbury Cathedral! I was there with my school for a celebration service. All the teachers had to wear robes from the university where we last received our degrees--the pupils were knocked out, lol! My last degree was the MA in Cultural Astronomy and Astrology from Bath Spa University. Ha!! So here's me, an astrologer, shaking hands with Desmond Tutu, who had given the sermon:

Without a doubt, this had to be the best handshake I've ever had! Desmond (yeah, we're on a first name basis with each other) gave a beautiful sermon. Besides being a wonderful storyteller, he was incredibly warm and funny. He recounted a story about a small boy who was watching balloons floating in the sky. The balloons were all colours: green, blue, red, purple, yellow. The boy watched them and wondered at their colours, thinking the colours were what was making the balloons defy gravity and float high and higher. Desmond said: "The boy soon realised it wasn't the colours that was making them float, it was what was inside of them."

It was a beautiful day and I'll never forget Desmond Tutu's warmth, optimism and humour. Thank you for the wonderful blessing.

In honour of Desmond Tutu, I will refrain from my usual debauched humour and just say that it was an honour to be in the presence of such human beauty, dignity and integrity.

Thank you Desmond for all your hard work and dedication to make the world a better place! I've never been so inspired!

(Alex Trenoweth with Desmond Tutu)

Another Weekend, Another Conference

2008-11-17T01:57:00.000-08:00

"It's Saturday, I must have to be somewhere!" was my first thought of the weekend. Never mind that I spend my entire week teaching and my evenings writing (50,000 words since September--get that, Campion?). If it's a weekend, there's gotta be a seminar or a conference. So I went to the Warburg institute--okay, make that I tried to find the Warberg Insititute. I have the very embarrassing problem of getting bloody lost every time I go someplace new. Anyway, just as I was about to give up, I ran smack into Geoffrey Cornelius who kindly guided me to where I was supposed to go. And was I ever glad I didn't miss it. Not only was it a day of fabulous lectures, not only did I get to have lunch with the gorgeous Kim Farnell, the divine Garry Phillipson and the sublime Allie Bird, I had a profound insight. And here it is: what a bunch of lucky people we astrologers are. While everyone else is watching football or playing in the park or going to the cinema or hanging out in the pub, here we are learning from each other. I was fascinated when our American guests were frantically scribbling references that we lucky British astrologers had known about for years. We are sooooo lucky to have local astrology groups and enough journals and conferences to keep ourselves busy every weekend for the rest of our lives. I almost feel sorry for anyone who is not only a non-astrologer but also for those astrologers who don't live in Britain.

For example, I sat right behind Rob Hand. Smile Rob, I said and he obliged (by the way Rob was one of my FAS tutors for the Mundane section of the diploma). Of getting his PhD in his 60s, Rob said: "Now I got to live long enough to justify it!" Classic! Personally, I've always thought that Rob looks like Burl Ives or Santa Clause.

Next I witnessed Nick Campion and Rob having "a moment" as I made my way out the door. I couldn't quite ear wig enough to hear everything but they looked like they're up to something!

To celebrate being lucky, here's a little counterbalance, a Saturn in the 9th house joke: A man had a hobby of hitting lawyers with his car every time one happened to cross his path. The man sees a priest hitchhiking on the side of the road, so he picks him up and says: "Where to father?"

The priest replies, "The church, of course." On the way, the man sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him, he then remembers he has a priest in the car and tries to miss the lawyer but he still hears a thud.

The man says to the priest: "I'm sorry Father, I honestly tried to miss that lawyer."

The priest says "It's ok, I got him with the door."

Just wind me up. . .

2008-11-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

At the Sophia Centre graduation seminar, I met the delightful Crystal Addy. I didn't realise she was John Addy's grand-daughter until I met up with her again at the AA conference. Anyway, here we are, one our way home from the conference.

I reckon being around such inherited brilliance had an effect on me as I'm now doing some astrological work for my school, which, as the school has a Christian ethos, is a rather interesting experience (I'm analysing the birth charts of pupils who are in danger of permanent exclusion to see if there is anything that can be done to help them). It's not that the powers-that-be don't believe or aren't interested in what I have to say, it's more like they're worried about what The-Powers-That-Be at the Head Office are going to say. So here's an edited version of my response:

"I'm glad you've asked about Christianity and astrology. Let’s start by exploring who the Wise Men were and just why Jesus Christ was born at the Winter Solstice and resurrected at the Spring Equinox. We’ll explore how Jesus healed the sick, talked to the dead (and even raised them), spoke to spirits, cast out demons and used magic rituals in his “miracles.” Next we’ll look at how and why a priest named Lucifer was immortalised by St Jerome. Perhaps we could have a discursive argument about the differences between fact and fiction and the relative merits of realising the Bible was not written by God with a big silver pen. We won’t speculate on how much Pagan art was defaced with Christian symbols or how many innocent people were burned at the stake by Christians (or continue to be persecuted). We’ll move smartly onto Thomas Aquinas and how he quite ingeniously merged Aristotlianism with astronomy/astrology and Christianity. Then we’ll take a detour through to Cosimo deMedici’s prodigy Ficino and his translations of Platonic texts which helped bring about a renewed interest in astrology and magic and therefore, the Renaissance. We’ll let ourselves embark on a tangent and study Pico’s famous attack on astrology and expound on how he may have been stitched up by a mad priest called Savaronola. Backtracking slightly, we’ll investigate the works of Paracelsus, Albertus Magnus and Cornelius Agrippa whose works were based on astrology and formed the basis of modern medicine. Let us mention Shakespeare and his thoughts on astrology as evidenced by his work. If someone would still like to say that what happens "up there" doesn’t affect us "down here," then I’d be happy to do a demonstration on how the tides and seasons work, and if that isn't enough, take you somewhere where we can wonder at the perfection of a lunar or, for that matter, a solar eclipse. If anyone wants to say that not everyone fits into the twelve neat categories found in newspapers then I’d be happy to agree with them and point out I have never and will never do a star sign column because I believe that that is the equivalent of a priest selling fake holy water. You want to make fun of what I believe? That smacks of bigotry—which has its basis in pure ignorance. I can put forward a very convincing argument that astrology is actually a religion and to ridicule me or my work is not only bigoted but amounts to nothing short of religious persecution."

Phew. . .I had to be fanned. And no one argued with me, hehe, but I'm ready if they want to!

Make a joke out of that? I hear you ask. Here's a Venus in Virgo, trine Moon in Taurus trine Sun in Capricorn (get it?) joke:

You know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don’t you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

Coronation Street

2008-11-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to see Claire Chandler's last presentation as President of the Astrological Lodge of London. Her talk was entitled "Saturn and Uranus: Ripping the Sky". I gotta say, at the start of her talk, we were such a Uranian audience, interrupting her (and me getting quite political at one point--I blame my ancestors!). There was such emotion in the air. But we settled down eventually, becoming far more Saturnine. It was just like we would expect of Uranium (Uranus' metal) calming down to lead (Saturn's metal). Claire ended her talk by showing us the heavy transits she has coming up and well, I think us Uranus/Pluto babies of the mid sixties are in for a rocky road. And so Claire bowed out as president of the Astrological Lodge of London.

Well, the interregnum lasted about half an hour!!

After a tense 20 minutes of whipping through the agenda, we came to the voting. I'm so pleased to announce my buddy Kim Farnell (shown below along with Angela Voss, Chris Brennan and Ben Dykes after the History seminar) is the new president of the Astrological Lodge of London! I'm even happier to say I will be working on the committee with her and will hopefully carry on with all the good work Claire has done these past few years. I shall miss Claire's leadership but so look foward to working with Kim and everyone else on the committee. I'm wishing, as I'm sure everyoneat the Lodge is wishing, Claire a happy and productive "retirement." BTW, I came up with a quote for Uranus opposite Saturn: "I'm all for democracy as long as I'm on the winning side."

Also standing down as Vice (teehee) President was the delectable Andrew Morton. I've known Andrew for quite a few years and he has never failed to bring out the wryness in me (he being the King of Wry). Seriously, I didn't know I had a wry bone in my body. In fact, I'm not aware of too many bones in my body--time to get to the gym! Andrew and I met at an FAS class. If memory serves, it was the consultancy module and we did each other's charts. We have great synastry together and I can't help but feel it's a shame we don't see more of each other (hint hint Andrew). Anyway, Andrew was the first person to re-locate my chart (I was born in the US but now live in London). Relocation gives me Leo rising and shoves Saturn back into the eighth. So I think we can attribute my sophisticated sense of humour to this. I will miss Andrew too but again, I look forward to working closely with Simon Posner, a man of great intellect and humour, as our new Vice President. Besides that, I'm sure I will see lots of both Andrew and Claire.

OK to demonstrate all the goodness of Saturn in the 8th, here's a little Jupiter conjunct Saturn in 8th joke:

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up. I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" asked Jeff.

"I kicked her in the face."

Fits of Hysterics

2008-11-11T04:47:00.000-08:00

On November 3, the Lodge welcomed Mike Harding who was speaking on Everyday Madness. But who is that mad looking woman next to him? LOL

It's been an exciting time at the Lodge with elections for president and other changes. In other news, I don't know what's come over me but I've been mega-productive with my writing. In fact, in the space of a few weeks, I've cleared a lot of projects that have been hanging over my head since the summer. So I've been feeling rather pleased with myself. In fact, so pleased I can look back at how I felt before this period of activity with a sense of humour with a special Mars conjunct Saturn in 8th joke:

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that,from the next room, he hears his little friendshouting out cries of:

"Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on.

"The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?I couldn't even get on the f**king bed."

Three little words I will never say. .

2008-10-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

Even after 20 years of astrological studies, through all my adventures with the FAS, Rainbow Circle, The Lodge, The Sophia Centre, UAC and a day at the History of Astrology seminar followed by an evening at The Lodge, you will never hear me say "Astrology bores me."

On Monday night, we at The Lodge were treated to the brilliance of Chris Brennan who patiently explained what the hell to do with the lot of fortune! Finally! After years of having it hanging around on my chart looking rather useless, Chris gets it to make sense. And this is truly the beauty of astrology and why I'm absolutely delighted to call myself forevermore a astudent of astrology: no one is ever going to know it all. There's always something new to learn--and Chris had me diving straight for my ephemeris when I got home on Monday. To learn more, go to Chris' website.

One thing I do know is that there is some weird weather going on! Left is the view from my window on Tuesday night. Snow in October?

For reaching the parts that other schools of astrology can't reach, here's a little Mars conjunct Saturn in the eighth house joke (and quite possibly how I've been feeling about certain schools of astrology!) just for Chris. . .

A Jamaican (and pardon my Jamaican accent) fireman comes home from his first day on the job and says: "Wo-mon, dey do tings right at de station! When de first bell goes, we all jump up. When de second bell goes, we all go down de pole. When de tird bell goes, we all jump on de truck!"

"Wow," says the wife, "Dat sounds efficient!"

"So wo-mon," says the man, "From now on, we gonna do dis: When I shout "Bell One!" you strip naked. When I shout "Bell two!" you jump on de bed. When I shout "Bell three!" we make love all de night long!"

So they give it try. Bell one, she strips. Bell two, she gets nekkid. Bell three, they start to make love all de night long.

A few minutes into it, she yells, "Bell four!"

"Wo-mon, what are you talking about? There's no bell four!"

"Oh yes dere is!"

"What does it mean?" he asks.

She says: "Roll out de hose, it ain't no where near de fire!"

Credit Crunch

2008-10-27T03:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the Astrological Lodge's History of Astrology Seminar, an event I take great pains not to miss. However, Saturday I had to go to a birthday party and demonstrate my considerable karaoke skills and then force myself to partake in a delicious Turkish meal. So I couldn't get to the seminar on Saturday because I was so obligated which meant I knew better than to even attempt to miss out on Sunday's fun and frolics--not the least because my good friend and Sophia Centre travelling buddy Maurice McCann would be giving his final public lecture. However, Sunday morning I woke up and thought "Oh no! I've slept in and missed Maurice McCann's lecture!" So I pulled myself together and got on the tube toute de suite--and then discovered that I had forgotten all about the clocks going back, lol. So I was only a little late and didn't miss a word of Maurice's lecture on Bonatti. Nor did I miss Maurice's unprecedented attack on the three Roberts which must have made Pico do cartwheels. And yes, Maurice, it was recorded! And c'mon, you can't bow out without being prepared to have the last word (and you know you won't be getting the last word if you stop now)! Secretly, I think Maurice will be back. . .

I also bumped into the delightful Sue Ward whom I will always remember for her spectacular lecture at the AA Conference. Sue has the admirable knack for making very complicated points crystal clear. Unforgettable! Sue also appreciates my fruity language and even threatened to quote me once (she bottled out). But I don't hold it against her. When I read Maurice's lecture at the Bath Spa graduate conference, he put a little note at the bottom of his notes with the instructions: "Don't forget to tell Rob Hand (who was in the audience) that I got his number!" Needless to say, I bottled out. Perhaps Sue and I share the common trait of knowing when to keep quiet. Somehow, I doubt that. . .

OK, we're in the middle of a credit crunch and I've been blowing all my dosh on a thoroughly spectacular weekend with a wide range of people. In fact, I'm feeling rather blessed and thank the gods and goddesses that be for my good fortune. But that's not to say I haven't been exploring ways to cut corners and be frugal. Here'a little Saturn in Cancer in the second house advice I won't be following though. . .

A little old man is taking his evening walk when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He gets closer and says to her, “Hey lady would let me bite your breasts for £500?”

“Are you crazy?!! she replies and keeps walking away.

He keeps a few steps behind and makes another offer; “Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?”

The woman turns back and says, “Listen you; I’m not that kind of a woman! Got it?”

But the very determined old man walking a few feet behind says; “Would you let me bite your breast just once for £10,000?”

The woman stops, thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, £10,000; OK, just once, but let's go to that dark alley.”

They go to the alley, where she takes off her top to reveal the most gorgeous breasts he has ever seen. He grabs them and starts fondling them slowly, caressing them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you going to bite them or not?”

“Nah,” says the old man. “Costs too much…”

Over HERE, Rupert

2008-10-23T10:51:00.001-07:00

Dammit Rupert, I said talk to ME! LOL

I went to hear a dialogue with Rupert Sheldrake and Andrew Cohen last Friday: Is evolution sacred? It was, without a hint of sarcasm, one of the most interesting experiences I have ever had and a radical change to my usual Friday night programme (ie, the pub). The topic covered the idea of enlightenment, a notion I always left to those granola-eating floaty type people wearing kaftans. What made it intriguing? It was the way these two men, with their vastly differing views, listened to each other and respected each others' opinions. To say it was an intense experience would be an understatement and there's no way I will even try to sum up what I got out of it, let alone try to explain what someone else might have gotten out of it. However, I will give my viewpoint on animals and enlightenment (since, quite surprisingly, Andrew and I seemed a bit at odds over the topic). Andrew said animals don't have a sense of enlightenment. Well, I disagree and this is why: my cats look directly at my face as if trying to understand my expressions. If they had no interest in me as a fellow being, why would they look at my face? Why don't they just watch what is moving? I think my cats have an awareness of me just as much as I have an awareness of them. Are my cats capable of enlightenment? Who the hell am I to say! But just look at me and my cat Bubbles sleeping! He's in my bed, under my covers with his paw on my shoulder as if to reassure me that he loves me. Anthropromorphic drivel? Yeah probably I'm projecting all over the place. But isn't Bubbles sweet?

To celebrate the potential for cats to become enlightened (and I'm not limiting this potential to cats--in fact, I might even be implying, with my next joke, that animals even have a soul!), here's a very special Mars in the 6th house joke:

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.

The mice answered, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Kiss me, I can triple tongue

2008-10-18T05:49:00.000-07:00

Update: I'm starting a one woman campaign to get Wynton onto astrodatabank. To do this, I need his time of birth. If anyone can help out, please let me know!

Now on to the regularly scheduled programme.

I've been a Wynton Marsalis fan since I was a kid. I played the trumpet in the Salvation Army and I used to listen to Wynton after band practice just to get a bit of equilibrium. Wynton started playing the trumpet at age six, around the year I was born (oh yeah, this explains why he's so much better than me!). He said he wanted to make somebody feel like John Coltrane made him feel listening it. OK, Wynton, you do it for me, baby. I could (and do!) listen to you all night. You inspire me to drag myself out to South London for jazz band practice.

To honour Wynton, here's a little video from youtube. By the way, this was what I played for my final recital at University. Only, I um, wasn't quite so damn good. But nearly. This reminds me of the traditional trumpet player greeting:

"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

But I think I could restrain from saying this to Wynton.

Oh-oh, I can feel a joke just for Wynton coming up! This one is Sun conjunct Jupiter in Pisces in the tenth with a square to Saturn:

A great jazz trumpet player dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he finds out that heaven has a jazz band and rehearsal is about to begin. When he arrives at the rehearsal, he finds out that it is the biggest jazz band he had ever seen. There were over twenty trumpet players, including all the greats, like Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Louis Armstrong, and many others. The band sounds incredible, the best he had ever heard, and all of the players were great, with one exception. The lead player was horrible! The lead player had no high chops, couldn't play a decent swing groove, and could not improvise. Yet this horrible player was on lead, really looked like he was getting into the songs, and looked incredibly smug and pleased with himself after every song. Incredulous, he asked the player next to him, "Who is that guy? He's horrible!"

The other player replied, "Oh, that's just God. He only likes to think that he's Wynton Marsalis."

I love you, Wynton. Happy Birthday!!

The new AA journal editor!!

2008-10-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, here I am standing next to John Green, the new AA editor. I'm going to stop standing next to slim people. Reminds me of a Jupiter cj the ascendant joke with Saturn in the eighth (inconjunct Jupiter for very obvious reasons):

A man is cooking in his back yard on his BBQ grill. He glances over at his wife and notices how large her behind is.

He then looks at his grill and looks back at his wife and says, "Honey I think your butt might be as big as the grill!"

He didn't stop there, he then went into the house and got a tape measure and measured the grill then his wife's ass.

Later that night, the couple decided to get a little frisky in bed.

The wife then said “I don't see any reason for me to fire up this fat-ass grill for that little weiner."

BTW, this joke has nothing to do with John!

Yup, still going on about the conference

2008-10-03T07:54:00.001-07:00

And I'm still telling Satan jokes. . .but not because I had the chance to spend some time with the devilishly gorgeous Ben Dykes (left).

I met Ben at the United Astrology Conference in Denver and he is not only a young man of great intelligence (a PhD and all!) but he's a genuinely nice guy. He's also very generous with the vodka. Ben did some translations of Bonatti's work--how clever is that!?--which he will be presenting at the Lodge history seminar later this month.

So, in honour of devishly gorgeous men, here's a little Pluto in the 7th house joke:

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly evacuated the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 31 years."

A little more Neptune

2008-09-29T02:15:00.000-07:00

After having my photo taken with Neil, I crawled across the table to Geoffrey Cornelius! Not really, I just barged into his conversation with Nicola Allsop and demanded that Neil take my photo! Seriously, I just smiled sweetly (and notice that beer is still not finished).

To celebrate a really fabulous night with a lot of truly fabulous people, here's another special Neptune joke for all us fabulous people who look to the stars!

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:
Specificity
Anti-constitutionalistically
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When Drunk:
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Just an observation. . .

2008-09-29T01:50:00.000-07:00

At the Astrological Association's conference last weekend, I observed Neil Spencer fussing over his food. Never one to miss an opportunity (having been a formal journalist myself), I sauntered over to Neil's table and threw myself at his feet for this photo. Curiously, he made this odd gesture at Nick Campion who was sitting behind him. I love Neil and we go waaaaaay back to "Gone With the Wind" (OK, "True as the Stars Above") and the Club of 27 (which has been resurrected for non-astrologers at Camden Market--but let it be known: the astrologers got there first). Neil presented Kurt Cobain and I presented Janis Joplin at the Lodge.

Oh god, I just realised I am clutching yet another pint of the aqua vitae. . .

Here comes a few Neptune jokes to celebrate. . .all those EMPTY BOTTLES of wine on his table!

5 stages of inebriation:

Jocose

Verbose

Bellicose

Morose

Lachrymose

Comotose

A planetary guide to wines: (this one written by moi)

The sun: Warm, self brewed and when you drink it, everyone notices you.

The Moon: A family label, makes you reflective and, usually, tearful about the past

Mercury: very light and easy to drink, imbibe and you reveal every secret and morsel of gossip you have been carefully containing your whole life. Good thing it makes you fast on your feet. . .

Venus: a sweet wine, usually taken as a dessert. Makes you feel amorous and attractive to the opposite sex

Mars: slightly spicy and gives you the horn. Then makes you want to fight everyone for the object of your affection

Jupiter: a full bodied, foreign wine, usually quite expensive. Typically used during Communion

Saturn: Bitter or sour taste--usually because your great aunt has been hoarding it since the Crimean War. Gives you one hell of a hangover.

Uranus: difficult to describe as it's a one-off. Makes you give a rebel yell. Several times.

Neptune: You don't remember what this tastes like. In fact you don't remember much of anything that night.

Pluto: A few sips of this and nothing is the same again. . .

Entertainment Value

2008-09-25T00:53:00.001-07:00

Can't resist one more blog about Chris Mitchell--and OK, I admit it, I just like the joke! And Chris' outfit.

To celebrate great entertainment (and it was also very informative!), a very special Sun in the 12th with a Mars transit!

A circus zebra was sent to a farm to recuperate on the advice of the Veterinary surgeon. The zebra felt happy on being released in an enclosure but soon began to feel lonely and bored. It decided to seek company so he jumped over the fencing and trotted to the farm house where he saw anumber of strange looking animals. The zebra first walked up to the chicken and said, "Hello! I am an African zebra. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "Well, I am a chicken.”

"Glad to know you." said the zebra. "Actually I am a performing zebra from a circus. I dance and do a trick which makes people clap and that makes my master happy and he takes care of me. What do you do?"

"Well, I scratch the ground, feed on grain and lay eggs which makes my master happy. Glad to know you too and welcome." The zebra then introduced itself one by one to all other animals around the farm house and felt very welcome at the farm. Then it looked around and spotted another strange animal in an enclosure nearby. It jumped over the fencing into the enclosure and approached the animal.

"Hello, I am an African zebra! Actually, I am a performing zebra from a circus coming here for a rest. I dance and do tricks, which makes people clap and that makes my master happy and he takes care of me. Who are you and what do you do?"

In a low voice the reply came, "I am a bull, a stud bull."

"And what do you do?" asked the dancing Zebra.

"Take off your pajamas and I show you," said the stud bull.

When shall we three meet again?

2008-09-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

We came, we saw, we conjured? Did you hear about the astrologer who gave up astrology? Apparently there was no future in it!

Here's Lynn Bell, Wendy Stacey and I enjoying an evening beverage after a fantastic day at the Astrological Association's conference at Staverton Park, near Rugby. Notice the box I'm clutching so carefully? In it are all the receipts and records of monetary transactions for the DVDs and CDs for the talks at the conference. If you're worried you missed something (and even if you were there for every single session, you missed something wonderful at another session), you can purchase these talks at the AA website.

One of the hot topics was the ludicrous "law" about astrologers having to declare they're only entertainers and their consultations are "just for fun." I don't know what it is about stupid laws but here's a special Mars conjunct Jupiter in the 9th with a Saturn transit for all our lawyer friends who, no doubt, we're going to have to contact a bit more often:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH MY GOD!!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!!!!"

Medieval Boy Toys

2008-09-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know about this. . .

Chris Mitchell says he was giving a lecture on Medieval astrology and the methods used at that time but I think he looks like he's having an awful lot of fun at the AA conference!

However, Chris is such a wonderful friend, even if he's never kissed me. Oh wait. . .he has kissed me. . .at Sue Farebrother's party.

Oh man, I've got to keep my lips to myself! No wait. That would be no fun!

Love ya Chris! And to prove it. . .here's a very special Mars conjunct Moon in the eighth house joke!

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in front of the nurse's station. He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder. Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER. Half an hour later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself. Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man.

The doctor shrugged and said "nothing big....just minstrel cramps."

I kissed a monk (and I liked it!)

2008-09-22T05:18:00.000-07:00

It was the Astrological Association's conference this weekend and what a great time we had! I especially enjoyed sucking the face off of the luscious Garry Philipson! No, it's not what it appears. . .really! I said "Let's give them something to talk about." So Garry laid his juicy lips onto mine.

A-hem!

To celebrate former monks (Garry really is a former Buddhist monk), here's special Saturn in the 9th just for his sexy self:

A monk newly initiated into his order was told that he'd have to spend the initial 20 years of training in complete silence. He was told that he would only be allowed to say two words every three years.

After 3 years of studiously keeping this vow, he was summoned before the Abbot and asked if he had anything to say, in two words or less. He replied, "Food Sucks." Three more years went by when he was again summoned before the Abbot. "Well, do you have anything to say now," the monk was asked. "Bed Hard," was the answer. After three more years the Abbot found our friend and asked him if he'd like to speak. "I Quit!" said the monk.

"Well, I'm not suprised," said his Abbottship. "You've done nothing but complain since you arrived.!"

And Garry--you can't say you've never been kissed again!

Just balancing the score sheet. . .

2008-09-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

After a week that saw me lecturing my pupils on the merits of giving up their free seats on the bus to the elderly, I feel little entitled to share a Saturn in the 8th house joke:

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

Ahhhh. . .

2008-09-11T08:20:00.001-07:00

Here's something to aspire to. . .a special Venus in 7th--with a Neptune transit--for all you lovers everywhere. . .

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am! drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!”

Still swearin'

2008-09-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Something tells me I shouldn't be swearing so much. . .so I told that little voice to shut the fuck up. I'm back at school, after all. The kids swear way more than I do! To celebrate bad little words, here's my very special Jupiter in the 8th, ruling the 7th joke. . .

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.

"Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum,tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls,but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman’s husband Dave comes home.

"In fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 2

2008-08-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

Well, we all know what Pluto rules: hell, sewers and all things decaying underground. And with a name like Ur-anus, perhaps you should know in advance that this is not the type of joke a kid will appreciate. No wait, I take it back. . . it's exactly the type of joke a kid would appreciate. It's the parents who might not want them to hear it. So if you're under, say, 18, it's time to look away. Also look away if you're of a sensitive nature--though as this aspect is currently in the sky, it's highly unlikely you'll be able to avoid getting offended no matter how much you try!

A man wakes up early one Saturday morning and says to his wife: "Woman, we're going fishing, whether you like it or not!"

The woman groans, rolls over and mumbles "The hell I am. I hate fishing."

"Look," the man says, "I'm tired of you griping about fishing. You're going fishing with me and the dog and that's that!"

The woman mumbles, "I am NOT going fishing."

The man says, "Oh yes you are. You are my WIFE. You will do what pleases me. And fishing pleases me. So you will come fishing with me."

"Look," the woman says, "I hate fishing. I do want to please you but not fishing. Can't we do something else that pleases you?" she adds saucily.

The man thinks for a moment. "OK," he says. "I'll give you a choice of three things that please me. You choose one and then I can never claim that you never do anything that pleases me."

The woman considers this for a minute and agrees.

"OK," says the man. "Here are your choices: 1) you come fishing with me and the dog, 2) you give me a blow job or 3) you take it up the ass. I'm going out to pack the car. When I come back, you give me your answer."

"Ugg! I don't want to do any of those! They're ALL disgusting!"

"I'm going out to pack the car," the man says again. "When I come back, you'd better have your answer!"

He leaves the room and she considers in each option in turn. None appeal. So she starts to think of which one would be worse and she thinks that up the ass would be the worst with fishing a close second. So with no other option, she decides on the blow job.

The husband returns and she smiles sweetly and says: "Darling, I'll go for the blow job."

He says, "Great!" and pulls his trousers down and gets himself into position.

"Yuk!" she says. "You smell all shitty!"

"Yes. That's right," says the husband, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either!"

(Sorry Ray but you should have known better!!)

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 1

2008-08-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

When I met up with Ray, he challenged me to come up with a joke for Pluto square Uranus. Funnily enough, my buddy Sue Farebrother has the exact same request, with the infamous words "Let's see you make a joke out of that"!

For more, check out part two!